OK, fair warning to my Christian readers or even my non-Christian readers who know that I am a Christian, my next statement may be a bit surprising, but hear me out. I whole-heartedly believe in evolution/survival of the fittest. There I said it. I do not want nor intend to entertain any debates on the subject. I have no problem discussing any of my beliefs/convictions as long as we can maintain a civil, non-judgmental tone (that goes for myself as well) but I have a personal rule not to argue religion or any of its aspects as it solves nothing and only creates more problems.
Now, let me get to the part of this that will seem a lot more like me to people who know me. I am a Creationist. I do believe that the Bible is the infallible word of God. And, finally, I DO NOT believe that humans descended from apes as Darwin's Theory of Evolution might suggest. I do, however, believe in the basic concept of evolution (see Merriam-Webster's definition here). For the purpose of this post, I will stick to how my view of evolution applies to humans.
People can and do evolve. We typically refer to this as change. If it wasn't possible for people to evolve, there would be no stories of people turning their lives around to live a more positive lifestyle. Unfortunately, it's possible for humans to devolve as well (but that's another thought for another time).
The past few years I've been trying to make some changes in my own life. For a lot of that time those changes were more like some great idea I had and longed for, but didn't really focus on achieving. But for the past 9-10 months (and especially the last 3), those changes have been coming into focus. A couple weeks ago I had something happen that, for a week or so, had me very distraught. I wouldn't eat. I just wanted to stay in bed all day. And, no matter how much I slept, I didn't rest. I cried myself to sleep a couple nights and at one point I was so upset I was hugging the toilet with dry heaves and then back in bed with a migraine that made me think I should be sleeping in the bathroom because I was going to lose the lunch I hadn't ate.
After a few days of that I got scared and I said, "Jennifer, you've got to find a way to get past this or you're going to end up in the hospital and you don't have time for that." Thank you Lord for hearing the desires of my heart even when I don't specifically speak them. After that it was like someone flipped the switch and the light came on. Despite how I felt at the time, things really weren't that different than they had been. Most importantly though, I realized that God hadn't told me "NO", He simply said, "Not right now." There are still pieces of the situation that would really bother me if I allowed myself to dwell on them, but I'm choosing to focus on the positive. And that my friends, is proof that humans can evolve. I've always been a consummate worrier but it feels good to finally truly let go and trust that God will work everything out.
For the first time in a very long time, I'm actually able to focus on what I want and not what everyone else wants from me. I realize it's nobody's fault but my own that my wants/needs/desires have gone unfulfilled for so long, but it's nice to finally be in a place to put my time and effort into them. I'm still in the beginning phase where I'm having to figure out what exactly it is that I want and how to get started working on those things once I know what they are. I've been getting rid of things in my life that I THOUGHT were what I wanted, but I've realized they were really just a facade for what I was really searching for. I've been taking baby steps to get started on things that have been in the back of my mind for a while now; and I'm taking a long hard look at the people I've surrounded myself with in the present to see if they need to still be around in my future. I realize none of these changes will come over night. There will be speed bumps and road blocks along the path I'm trying to travel, but I'm armed with my Faith which will act as my shocks, struts, and GPS to ensure I make it safely to my destination.
Friday, July 27, 2012
Saturday, July 14, 2012
You'll Never Figure Out Where You're Going...If You Don't Know Where You've Been
Now, for the 2nd part of my birthday celebration post.
The
ironic part of this song choice is that the song is talking about a
man who has realized that he has spent too much time working and not
enough time living and it's time to "start living past the next
thing on my list". I need that list though, but instead of
your typical to-do list activities, MY list is designed to get me
past all the work and worry, same as the man in the song, and start
enjoying life more. As the song says "raise a little H***,
laugh til it hurts, put an extra 5 in the plate at church, call up my
folks just to chat, it's time that I make time for that."
I know I've mentioned more than once how important structure is for us AD/HDers. I mean, implementing a little structure in my life was the WHOLE purpose for my Two-A-Day Challenge. As wonderful as that challenge went and as awesome as being in a routine felt, I still get knocked off my game way too easily.
My entire life, without even really realizing it, I've depended on someone else to keep that structure in tact for me. Growing up it was my parents. I swear, those two should write a book on Invisible Structure because they managed to keep me, a pigheaded, strong-willed, fiercely independent, fiery redhead, in line without me so much as questioning the fact that it was necessary. Now, that doesn't mean I always liked what I was expected to do or that I even agreed with what I was expected to do, but I did it and life was so easy.
Once I left home, the structure that guided my life got a lot more lax, but it was still there. That structure was a collegiate institution and a great group of friends who liked to have fun but knew better than to squander all their time partying and flunking out of school. As naturally happens when we grow up, life got a little less easy but it still wasn't that bad. This was the period in my life where my emotional troubles really started, but outside of that, life was still grand. But, as of December 17, 2006, that structure went away and I was left to my own devices.
After graduation I just kept on doing what I'd been doing. I hadn't been completely on my own long enough to really start deciding what changes I wanted to make yet. Then, six months later, as part of my job, I was back in a "school" setting which really slowed down me making any drastic changes because I was only going to be there 6 months, what was the point. I got back home just a week or two before Christmas and everybody knows the holiday season is too hectic to think about much more than the Reason for the Season, all the festive events you've got going on, and relaxing after they're all over, so it wasn't until January 2008 that I really got to get a feel for life without the safety net of structure.
Everyone experiences growing pains as they move forward in life so, for the purposes of this post, it is completely irrelevant to delve into the ins and outs of all of those growing pains. Therefore, I'll focus on the ones specifically related to the structure, or lack there of, in my life. Growing up I typically identified more with with a slightly older age group. I've always had friends my own age, and enjoyed my time with them very much, but felt more "at home" with the ones who were 3-5 years my senior. I typically attribute that to being, in the words of the adults around me at the time not my own, "very mature for my age."
In college I still had those older friends. I mean, I was the 20 year old hanging out with the 25+ year olds from work who were always shocked to find out I wasn't the same age as them, but I had a much larger group of friends my own age than I'd ever had before. In college, we were all in the same position, forced to "sink or swim," which naturally causes most people to grow up and start to leave behind their childish ways so it makes sense that my peer group would change, but, looking back, there was something not quite right that I couldn't see at the time.
I'm sure everyone's heard that girls mature faster than boys. I don't bring that up to start any debates, but simply to make a point. While it HAS been shown that, overall (there are exceptions as there are to most rules), girls do mature faster for medical/scientific/etc reasons, by the time we reach our 20s it really kind of evens out. I've always kind of thought that, even though I was blessed to mature rather quickly, it was inevitable that things would eventually even out. But, I never expected to feel like I had stagnated, but that everyone around me had accelerated. Unfortunately, that hasn't been the case.
My parents and a close friend of mine from high school has told me on multiple occasions that I changed when I left home. For a very long time I couldn't figure out why they thought that. Of course I was exposed to new things and, inevitably, was going to find new interests, but I was still the same person inside. I'd often get very frustrated, and even distraught at times, trying to figure out why the people who had always seemed to know me so well suddenly seemed to be completely oblivious. Hind site being 20/20, I know now that they were right, I had changed, but it wasn't because I suddenly left behind everything I'd ever learned for a new way of viewing the world, it was because, over time, I'd gone from a highly structured yet flexible life, to one that essentially had no structure at all, and I was like a fish out of water, floundering around trying to make sense of it all.
Unfortunately, it was 10+ years after I left home before I was armed with the knowledge I needed to be able to figure it out. I don't use my ADHD as an excuse. The choices I've made and will make in life are solely my own and I take full responsibility for any and everything I did or will do. But, at least now I know more about why things are the way they are for me, and I am therefore better prepared to get things back in line with the person I truly am.
Now, I know you may be thinking, "I thought this was suppose to be about reexamining her path for the future, not another walk down memory lane?" As the title of this post states though, "You'll never figure out where you're going if you don't know where you've been." So, I had to take a look at how I got to this point before I could put any thought into where I go from here. You may also be wondering how the song choice plays a part in this at all, but, "patience grasshopper," I'm getting there. :-)
I've realized that, much like the man in the song, I've put too much time into working and not enough time into living. In my case though, working doesn't necessarily mean the same thing as it does in the song. I'm not married to the job and I'm not a handywoman so I'm not always working at home either. What I have been doing though, is working too hard to try and force things to turn around instead of letting go and letting God. I'm a firm believer that, while God can most certainly do any and everything without our help, sometimes he wants us to help ourselves. The problem, at least for me, is I don't always take the time to listen to how He wants me to do that. I panic, I make frantic decisions, and not until I've worked myself into a full-on tizzy do I say "God I need your help." There have been times at work when I've heard people discussing a situation they should know I have experience with but they just keep talking in circles. In those times I find myself thinking, "If you'd just ask me...." I imagine that's how God feels about me quite often, "If you'd just ask me, I could fix all of this for you."
Not only is all that stress bad for my health, but it gets me away from the things that I need to be doing. I throw my daily schedule out the window because, "I'm too busy to be bothered with that." I stop doing my research on AD/HD, depression, etc. so I miss out on opportunities to help others. And, when it's all said and done, I've gotten little to nothing accomplished and I'm too tired to even think about doing any of the fun stuff, the stuff that takes your mind off your troubles for a little while, so I just get caught up in a vicious cycle of stress.
So, it's time to get back to the basics. It's time to remember the words on that little plaque by my bed, "Good morning, This is God...I will be handling all your problems today. I will not require your help." It's time to go back to taking my own advice, or better yet, practice what I preach, and realize that that routine, though it may "seem" like it's slowing me down sometimes, is actually what's going to keep me on track. And finally, it's time for that schedule/routine to stop being all work and no play. I've got things in life I want to do and if I keep saying, "I'll just get...done first," or "I can't as long as...is over my head" I'll never get to do those things and they'll end up just another reflection on what I wish I'd done differently.
Everyone experiences growing pains as they move forward in life so, for the purposes of this post, it is completely irrelevant to delve into the ins and outs of all of those growing pains. Therefore, I'll focus on the ones specifically related to the structure, or lack there of, in my life. Growing up I typically identified more with with a slightly older age group. I've always had friends my own age, and enjoyed my time with them very much, but felt more "at home" with the ones who were 3-5 years my senior. I typically attribute that to being, in the words of the adults around me at the time not my own, "very mature for my age."
In college I still had those older friends. I mean, I was the 20 year old hanging out with the 25+ year olds from work who were always shocked to find out I wasn't the same age as them, but I had a much larger group of friends my own age than I'd ever had before. In college, we were all in the same position, forced to "sink or swim," which naturally causes most people to grow up and start to leave behind their childish ways so it makes sense that my peer group would change, but, looking back, there was something not quite right that I couldn't see at the time.
I'm sure everyone's heard that girls mature faster than boys. I don't bring that up to start any debates, but simply to make a point. While it HAS been shown that, overall (there are exceptions as there are to most rules), girls do mature faster for medical/scientific/etc reasons, by the time we reach our 20s it really kind of evens out. I've always kind of thought that, even though I was blessed to mature rather quickly, it was inevitable that things would eventually even out. But, I never expected to feel like I had stagnated, but that everyone around me had accelerated. Unfortunately, that hasn't been the case.
My parents and a close friend of mine from high school has told me on multiple occasions that I changed when I left home. For a very long time I couldn't figure out why they thought that. Of course I was exposed to new things and, inevitably, was going to find new interests, but I was still the same person inside. I'd often get very frustrated, and even distraught at times, trying to figure out why the people who had always seemed to know me so well suddenly seemed to be completely oblivious. Hind site being 20/20, I know now that they were right, I had changed, but it wasn't because I suddenly left behind everything I'd ever learned for a new way of viewing the world, it was because, over time, I'd gone from a highly structured yet flexible life, to one that essentially had no structure at all, and I was like a fish out of water, floundering around trying to make sense of it all.
Unfortunately, it was 10+ years after I left home before I was armed with the knowledge I needed to be able to figure it out. I don't use my ADHD as an excuse. The choices I've made and will make in life are solely my own and I take full responsibility for any and everything I did or will do. But, at least now I know more about why things are the way they are for me, and I am therefore better prepared to get things back in line with the person I truly am.
Now, I know you may be thinking, "I thought this was suppose to be about reexamining her path for the future, not another walk down memory lane?" As the title of this post states though, "You'll never figure out where you're going if you don't know where you've been." So, I had to take a look at how I got to this point before I could put any thought into where I go from here. You may also be wondering how the song choice plays a part in this at all, but, "patience grasshopper," I'm getting there. :-)
I've realized that, much like the man in the song, I've put too much time into working and not enough time into living. In my case though, working doesn't necessarily mean the same thing as it does in the song. I'm not married to the job and I'm not a handywoman so I'm not always working at home either. What I have been doing though, is working too hard to try and force things to turn around instead of letting go and letting God. I'm a firm believer that, while God can most certainly do any and everything without our help, sometimes he wants us to help ourselves. The problem, at least for me, is I don't always take the time to listen to how He wants me to do that. I panic, I make frantic decisions, and not until I've worked myself into a full-on tizzy do I say "God I need your help." There have been times at work when I've heard people discussing a situation they should know I have experience with but they just keep talking in circles. In those times I find myself thinking, "If you'd just ask me...." I imagine that's how God feels about me quite often, "If you'd just ask me, I could fix all of this for you."
Not only is all that stress bad for my health, but it gets me away from the things that I need to be doing. I throw my daily schedule out the window because, "I'm too busy to be bothered with that." I stop doing my research on AD/HD, depression, etc. so I miss out on opportunities to help others. And, when it's all said and done, I've gotten little to nothing accomplished and I'm too tired to even think about doing any of the fun stuff, the stuff that takes your mind off your troubles for a little while, so I just get caught up in a vicious cycle of stress.
So, it's time to get back to the basics. It's time to remember the words on that little plaque by my bed, "Good morning, This is God...I will be handling all your problems today. I will not require your help." It's time to go back to taking my own advice, or better yet, practice what I preach, and realize that that routine, though it may "seem" like it's slowing me down sometimes, is actually what's going to keep me on track. And finally, it's time for that schedule/routine to stop being all work and no play. I've got things in life I want to do and if I keep saying, "I'll just get...done first," or "I can't as long as...is over my head" I'll never get to do those things and they'll end up just another reflection on what I wish I'd done differently.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Birthday Reflections
Know how I know I'm growing up (other than my birth year getting further and further away, lol)? For my birthday, all I really want is to spend time with good friends and family and just not be at work, lol. Don't get me wrong, the kid in me still gets excited thinking about what awesome gift my parents will get me (no matter how big or small they're always perfect) and having a million "Happy Birthday" messages on Facebook will bring a smile to my face, but, in all honesty, even without those things, I can be perfectly content with taking a day off from work, doing those things that aren't really necessary but I really want to do and never have the time for, and having a pleasant conversation with a friend or family member. So, in celebration of my 29th trip around the sun, that is exactly what I did today.
As I've gotten older, I've realized that birthdays have a way of making me reflect back over where I've been and reexamine where I'm going. As I've mentioned before, I struggle to adequately get across what I'm thinking or feeling, especially if it's a situation where emotions, frustration, etc. may be running high, so I tend to rely on song lyrics to get me going in the right direction. That is part of why I love music so much. Of course I love a good beat, but I will "fall in love" with a song when the lyrics speak to me, even if the song isn't the type of music I typically enjoy. It's kind of like music is the key that unlocks my thoughts and feelings and allows them to get free. Anyway, with the help of a couple great songs, I want to share the things that I have been reflecting on and the results of my reexamination of my path forward.
Reflection Song - A Lot of Things Different - Kenny Chesney
The part of this song that speaks to me the most is at the end. "People say they wouldn't change a thing, even if they could Oh, but I would." I realize that there are people in this world who have no regrets, but I am not one of those people. Some people have no regrets because they just don't care enough to put any thought into the "what if" because they are always "right" no matter what they do. Others have been blessed enough to realize what was important at the right time to be able to do the right thing before they lost the opportunity. But, I still think that most people who say they "wouldn't change a thing" really and truly have things in their life they wish they had done differently, but are still happy with where they are in life. Don't get me wrong, for the most part I'm happy with where my life is now, but there are still things I wish I'd done differently and I'll share a few of them now.
I wish I had listened when, on the last day of softball tryouts in the 7th grade, the coach said "You may be a little bit better than someone else but you may be slow." But instead, I was so convinced that my dream (yes I said dream, I was only 12 at the time) was going to come true because I'd done everything I was suppose to, that I couldn't see what she was trying to tell me. Granted, those words weren't said directly to me, they were part of the talk she was giving everyone to try and explain some of the reasons you might be cut and that it didn't necessarily mean you were a bad player, but they were meant for me to hear. On Monday I was absolutely devastated when my name wasn't on the list. I walked around in a daze the rest of the day (week may actually be more accurate). Softball had been my whole world up until that point and the thought of it no longer being there had never crossed my mind. I didn't know what to do. My parents tried so hard to get me to see it wasn't the end of the world. They reminded me that even Michael Jordan was "cut" from his high school basketball team. As crazy as it sounds, it honestly still bothers me to this day. It bothers me when I think about the fact that there are are only 5 bars on my Letterman's Jacket instead of 6, it bothers me when I realize that I let that one event shake my self-esteem so much that it ruined any chance of realizing my dream of playing softball in college. There's no guarantee I would have achieved that goal anyway, but at least I would've known that I just wasn't wasn't college softball material instead of being left to wonder "what if." I really think I could've handled that better than just not knowing what could've been. But, most of all, it bothers me that nearly 17 years later, even after beating out a senior for a starting position my sophomore year and being selected to the all tournament team at the section tournament my senior year, I still feel like I have something to prove. I love the game, but I've never played it with the same level of confidence again and that causes me constant frustration as I try to put it behind me and just enjoy the game.
I wish I had really listened when my parents told me I could always come to them no matter what. I spent too many years afraid they would turn their back on me because they didn't agree with my decisions and that caused a great strain on our otherwise wonderful relationship. Our relationship has been mended now and I am very thankful for wonderful, loving parents, but I will never be able to get those years back that I wasted.
As Dr. Spencer Reid said, "I know what it's like to be afraid of your own mind" and I wish I had realized sooner that it's OK to admit that and to ask for help. I wasted the greater part of a decade struggling to figure out what was going on in my mind, failing to control it on my own, and desperately trying to keep the chaos that was ever-present in my mind a secret from everyone around me. The repeated "failure" to regain control only served to plummet my self-esteem even lower and caused me to have many unhealthy relationships (platonic and romantic) because I was convinced that I was an awful human being and I should be thankful that someone was willing to put up with me and just deal with whatever they decided to dish out. I am a MUCH stronger person today than I was then and I realize that, though I'm not perfect, I AM a person who is worthy of love and respect and I should not put up with anyone who can't give me those things. But, sometimes, I can't help but wonder how many more happy memories I could've had and how much less emotional "baggage" I'd be caring around if I'd just said "I can't do this on my own, please help me" 8 years ago.
I fully accept and understand that all of these experiences have played a role in shaping me into the person I am today and although, like most everybody, I have a few things I'm working on, I FREAKING LOVE the me that I am today. But, that doesn't change the fact I'm fairly certain I would handle every single one of these situations differently if I were suddenly handed a mulligan. I am a firm believer that God's Will will be done no matter how many times I stumble or how many times I succeed so I can't believe that changing these things would make such a drastic change in where I am today because I am on the path that He wants me to be on. But, I guess it's really a mute point anyway, I mean, this isn't Back to the Future, this is real life, and in real life, we may get a second chance to do the right thing, but we will never be able to erase what has already happened.
Well, this first portion of this post got a little longer than I expected so I think I'll hold the Reexamination part for tomorrow. Guess that's a good way to make sure I make a post much sooner this time.
As I've gotten older, I've realized that birthdays have a way of making me reflect back over where I've been and reexamine where I'm going. As I've mentioned before, I struggle to adequately get across what I'm thinking or feeling, especially if it's a situation where emotions, frustration, etc. may be running high, so I tend to rely on song lyrics to get me going in the right direction. That is part of why I love music so much. Of course I love a good beat, but I will "fall in love" with a song when the lyrics speak to me, even if the song isn't the type of music I typically enjoy. It's kind of like music is the key that unlocks my thoughts and feelings and allows them to get free. Anyway, with the help of a couple great songs, I want to share the things that I have been reflecting on and the results of my reexamination of my path forward.
Reflection Song - A Lot of Things Different - Kenny Chesney
The part of this song that speaks to me the most is at the end. "People say they wouldn't change a thing, even if they could Oh, but I would." I realize that there are people in this world who have no regrets, but I am not one of those people. Some people have no regrets because they just don't care enough to put any thought into the "what if" because they are always "right" no matter what they do. Others have been blessed enough to realize what was important at the right time to be able to do the right thing before they lost the opportunity. But, I still think that most people who say they "wouldn't change a thing" really and truly have things in their life they wish they had done differently, but are still happy with where they are in life. Don't get me wrong, for the most part I'm happy with where my life is now, but there are still things I wish I'd done differently and I'll share a few of them now.
I wish I had listened when, on the last day of softball tryouts in the 7th grade, the coach said "You may be a little bit better than someone else but you may be slow." But instead, I was so convinced that my dream (yes I said dream, I was only 12 at the time) was going to come true because I'd done everything I was suppose to, that I couldn't see what she was trying to tell me. Granted, those words weren't said directly to me, they were part of the talk she was giving everyone to try and explain some of the reasons you might be cut and that it didn't necessarily mean you were a bad player, but they were meant for me to hear. On Monday I was absolutely devastated when my name wasn't on the list. I walked around in a daze the rest of the day (week may actually be more accurate). Softball had been my whole world up until that point and the thought of it no longer being there had never crossed my mind. I didn't know what to do. My parents tried so hard to get me to see it wasn't the end of the world. They reminded me that even Michael Jordan was "cut" from his high school basketball team. As crazy as it sounds, it honestly still bothers me to this day. It bothers me when I think about the fact that there are are only 5 bars on my Letterman's Jacket instead of 6, it bothers me when I realize that I let that one event shake my self-esteem so much that it ruined any chance of realizing my dream of playing softball in college. There's no guarantee I would have achieved that goal anyway, but at least I would've known that I just wasn't wasn't college softball material instead of being left to wonder "what if." I really think I could've handled that better than just not knowing what could've been. But, most of all, it bothers me that nearly 17 years later, even after beating out a senior for a starting position my sophomore year and being selected to the all tournament team at the section tournament my senior year, I still feel like I have something to prove. I love the game, but I've never played it with the same level of confidence again and that causes me constant frustration as I try to put it behind me and just enjoy the game.
I wish I had really listened when my parents told me I could always come to them no matter what. I spent too many years afraid they would turn their back on me because they didn't agree with my decisions and that caused a great strain on our otherwise wonderful relationship. Our relationship has been mended now and I am very thankful for wonderful, loving parents, but I will never be able to get those years back that I wasted.
As Dr. Spencer Reid said, "I know what it's like to be afraid of your own mind" and I wish I had realized sooner that it's OK to admit that and to ask for help. I wasted the greater part of a decade struggling to figure out what was going on in my mind, failing to control it on my own, and desperately trying to keep the chaos that was ever-present in my mind a secret from everyone around me. The repeated "failure" to regain control only served to plummet my self-esteem even lower and caused me to have many unhealthy relationships (platonic and romantic) because I was convinced that I was an awful human being and I should be thankful that someone was willing to put up with me and just deal with whatever they decided to dish out. I am a MUCH stronger person today than I was then and I realize that, though I'm not perfect, I AM a person who is worthy of love and respect and I should not put up with anyone who can't give me those things. But, sometimes, I can't help but wonder how many more happy memories I could've had and how much less emotional "baggage" I'd be caring around if I'd just said "I can't do this on my own, please help me" 8 years ago.
I fully accept and understand that all of these experiences have played a role in shaping me into the person I am today and although, like most everybody, I have a few things I'm working on, I FREAKING LOVE the me that I am today. But, that doesn't change the fact I'm fairly certain I would handle every single one of these situations differently if I were suddenly handed a mulligan. I am a firm believer that God's Will will be done no matter how many times I stumble or how many times I succeed so I can't believe that changing these things would make such a drastic change in where I am today because I am on the path that He wants me to be on. But, I guess it's really a mute point anyway, I mean, this isn't Back to the Future, this is real life, and in real life, we may get a second chance to do the right thing, but we will never be able to erase what has already happened.
Well, this first portion of this post got a little longer than I expected so I think I'll hold the Reexamination part for tomorrow. Guess that's a good way to make sure I make a post much sooner this time.
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