So, I finally get to update, granted I'm doing it with a sleeping puppy who INSISTS on being right beside me, but I'll take it! :)
About 2 1/2 weeks ago I had an appointment with the Employee Assistance Program. I figured it was time to get help. I met with a very nice man named Mr. Lewis and we talked for a while and then he gave me a few recommendations. 1. He recommended a counselor, Dr. Celia Cantor, for me to talk to so she can help me sort through a few things. 2. He recommended a psychiatrist to help me get my medicine straightened out. 3. He recommended I set up an appointment with the Consumer Credit Counseling Service to help with my finances.
Well, I had all three of those appointments last week. I met with the counselor first. We sat and talked so she could get to know me and we set a pretty good path forward. I think I'm really going to like her which I know is very important when seeing a counselor. We've started working on my self-esteem first. Even though I've always been confident when it comes to work or school I've always been completely lost when it came to interpersonal relationships. We're also working on trying to stop me from being so hard on myself. My first "assignment" was to write down 5 positive things about myself everyday. I can't include work related issues (since that's not an area I struggle with) but interpersonal relationships at work are fair game. I haven't been great at writing the things down everyday but I have made it a point to think through them and recognize the positive steps I'm taking. Also, as the session was ending we were discussing the many ways to deal with anxiety and Dr. Cantor mentioned that I may want to stay away from caffeine since it can make you jittery. I told her it had the opposite affect on me, it actually calms me down when I'm edgy. She said that that is a sign of ADD and she actually going to do some testing on me.
The next appointment I had was with Consumer Credit Counseling Services. I filled out some financial fitness paperwork and we set down and talked through my situation and goals. They are helping me with a budget to help me get things turned around instead of just surviving. I know things won't magically get better over night but I've got a good feeling. I don't have overdraft protection on my account right now. At first it seemed like it was only making matters worse, but I realize now that having it suspended temporarily is actually a good start to helping me dig out of a hole.
Finally, I met with the psychiatrist Friday. He didn't change my anti-depressant since my depression is pretty much under control but he did up my anxiety medicine. He mentioned that I was currently taking a VERY low dose at 5mg once a day and that the normal dose is 10mg 3 times a day. I've been on that dosage now for a few days and I must say I'm feeling better already. My craving for Dr. Pepper has even gone down, lol (though unfortunately I still like the taste too much).
On to other things....two weeks ago I was gone to New Jersey on a trip for work. On my flight into Philly (it's the closest airport to the part of Jersey we were going to) there was a lady sitting beside me that does couponing (not the EXTREME stuff but pretty serious). We got to talking and she gave me a lot of good tips and got me really excited about saving more (without going to the crazy, almost hoarderish extreme). My goal, once I get my finances straightened out, is to be able to use coupons to buy stuff that I can donate to food banks, animal shelters, etc. I really enjoy helping others and that is one of the biggest things that's bothered me about my finances is not being able to help like I want to. Well, in the mean time I've found a way to help others that doesn't cost me more than a stamp (and a $1 or $2 donation every now and then). You see, deployed soldiers can use coupons up to 6 months after their expiration date. So, I've decided to donate any unused coupons (whether they expired or I just wouldn't use them) to the soldiers. I've gotten together a bunch to put in the mail tomorrow. They can only accept manufacturer coupons (no store specific coupons) and the place you send them to for disbursement asks that they be only 1 month expired so that by the time they can get packed together and processed to be sent they will still be useable for the soldiers. Here's the link to the website if you want to know more. http://www.operationexpiration.net/default.html
Well, I guess that's all for now. Liv woke up and she's convinced I'm not paying enough attention to her. Oh puppies, gotta love 'em. :)
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
I'm still alive....
I've been meaning to post for over a week now I just keep getting busy and when I finally think of it I'm so sleepy I just want to go to bed. I wish I could get to this at work, might be a nice way to spend my lunch break. Oh well, more news to come later, just didn't want anyone to think I'd already abandoned my blog when I just got started, lol. :)
Sunday, August 7, 2011
I Can See Clearly Now....
Well, I must say, August is shaping up to be a much better month for me than July was. I've still got a couple of things I'm trying to iron out but God never said life would be perfect. I'm just happy not to have that unexplainable feeling of emptiness that comes with my "down times" as I call them.
Throughout the years that I've been dealing with this my down times have cost me some friends. Of course, looking back, I realize that if they couldn't either see what was going on with me or understand when I tried to talk to them, then maybe they really weren't friends after all. You see, when I get down I withdraw, from almost everybody. When I am around people I try my best to hide what's going on. Somehow I've gotten it in my head that for me to be truly successful I have to have it together in every aspect of my life. I perceive it as a sign of weakness to let anybody know I'm struggling. Those "friends" I lost could only see what they perceived as me abandoning them. Even when I swallowed my pride and tried to talk to them about what was going on they didn't understand. Or they would seem to at the time and then later just stop answering my calls.
When I pull out of a down time I have a tendency to brush everything off. I think, "I wasn't depressed, I was just being a wuss," or "I was just making a big deal out of nothing." I think that's what kept me from getting help for so long. When I was down I was too ashamed to tell anybody what was going on because I didn't feel like I had any reason to be depressed. And when I got better I felt so good it was easy to dismiss what I had been feeling as an overreaction on my part and thus see no reason to get help. I'm glad I finally made the first step. I finally had to get to a point that I realized that this roller coaster I had come to call life wasn't normal and I didn't have to keep living that way. I realize it may take some time for everything to come together so that I feel in control again (though I do realize that God is always in control whether I feel I am or not). I do get impatient sometimes, OK a lot. I have a bad tendency to think, "OK, God, You said You were going to work this out for me so..." I realize that's not how He works though. Sometimes we have to get ourselves ready to receive the blessings He has for us. That's a big reason why, despite the nagging voice in my head trying to tell me I really don't need it, I made an appointment with someone in the Employee Assistance Program at work. The other reason is, while I understand the "friends" I mentioned above might not have really been friends at all, I do worry about the affect my roller coaster ride might have/has on those I love. I don't want to cause them unnecessary grief or worry. I also know that, no matter how much you love somebody, there's only so much you can take.
As always I appreciate the prayers of anyone reading. I'm feeling great right now and I'm hoping to find a way to keep it that way.
Throughout the years that I've been dealing with this my down times have cost me some friends. Of course, looking back, I realize that if they couldn't either see what was going on with me or understand when I tried to talk to them, then maybe they really weren't friends after all. You see, when I get down I withdraw, from almost everybody. When I am around people I try my best to hide what's going on. Somehow I've gotten it in my head that for me to be truly successful I have to have it together in every aspect of my life. I perceive it as a sign of weakness to let anybody know I'm struggling. Those "friends" I lost could only see what they perceived as me abandoning them. Even when I swallowed my pride and tried to talk to them about what was going on they didn't understand. Or they would seem to at the time and then later just stop answering my calls.
When I pull out of a down time I have a tendency to brush everything off. I think, "I wasn't depressed, I was just being a wuss," or "I was just making a big deal out of nothing." I think that's what kept me from getting help for so long. When I was down I was too ashamed to tell anybody what was going on because I didn't feel like I had any reason to be depressed. And when I got better I felt so good it was easy to dismiss what I had been feeling as an overreaction on my part and thus see no reason to get help. I'm glad I finally made the first step. I finally had to get to a point that I realized that this roller coaster I had come to call life wasn't normal and I didn't have to keep living that way. I realize it may take some time for everything to come together so that I feel in control again (though I do realize that God is always in control whether I feel I am or not). I do get impatient sometimes, OK a lot. I have a bad tendency to think, "OK, God, You said You were going to work this out for me so..." I realize that's not how He works though. Sometimes we have to get ourselves ready to receive the blessings He has for us. That's a big reason why, despite the nagging voice in my head trying to tell me I really don't need it, I made an appointment with someone in the Employee Assistance Program at work. The other reason is, while I understand the "friends" I mentioned above might not have really been friends at all, I do worry about the affect my roller coaster ride might have/has on those I love. I don't want to cause them unnecessary grief or worry. I also know that, no matter how much you love somebody, there's only so much you can take.
As always I appreciate the prayers of anyone reading. I'm feeling great right now and I'm hoping to find a way to keep it that way.
Monday, August 1, 2011
It's Been Awhile, A Long While
Well, I haven't posted to a blog in a LONG time. But, lately I've been trying to deal with some stuff and decided that maybe a blog could be a good way for me to get things out and be able to keep a record of things (this reason will make more sense later).
A little over a year ago I was diagnosed with mild depression. My doctor started me on an anti-depressant. It worked great and surprisingly quickly. Granted, it took a week or so to feel the full effect but it really was remarkable how much better I felt even the first day of taking it. I found myself feeling like my old self again.
Unfortunately, that didn't last nearly as long as I had hoped. A few months after I started taking the medicine I was playing in a softball tournament in Panama City and dehydrated and almost passed out. It was about 100 degrees that day and, without thinking, I had taken my water pill that my doctor had prescribed because I retain water. In my mind I was trying to be good and take my medicine like I was suppose to but, I didn't consider the fact that a water pill will make you sweat a lot too, not just pee a lot. Being my stubborn self I tried to keep playing even though I knew that something was wrong. Eventually, the umpire stopped me as I was walking back in the dugout to get my glove and told my coach to take me out of the game because I was dehydrated. Apparently my lips had turned white and I had even less color in my face than normal (I mean, I am a very pale young lady, lol). One of my friends, trying to help, almost sent me into shock pouring an ice cold bottle of water over me. One of my teammates kept putting cold paper towels (we didn't have a towel at the time) on my forehead, neck, and wrists and almost as soon as she'd put them on me they'd be as burning up hot as I was. Sitting on the bench trying to cool off I kept closing my eyes and thinking "I just want to go to sleep." It wasn't until months later I realized that it wasn't really me wanting to go to sleep, it was my body about to pass out. I also realized later that I had actually gotten hot enough that I had stopped sweating. I know I should have gone to the hospital to get checked out but I just didn't like the idea of getting stuck in a hospital in Florida. Anyway, I don't know that this had anything to do with it but I wasn't the same after that. I wasn't really depressed again but just not as happy as I had been when I started the medicine.
After a few more months I had slipped into a pretty deep depression. I had been with the man of my dreams for about a year at this point, I had great parents who loved me, and a best friend that had always been there when I really needed her but yet I felt so empty inside. Unfortunately, I found that buying things made me feel happy and I wanted to feel happy so I bought things. I bought stuff for myself and everybody close to me. It wasn't always big things, actually most of the time it was small things but those small things began to add up. It wasn't until three months later that I realized what I had done. I had gotten myself into quite a bit of debt and that realization only served to plunge me further into depression. Thankfully though, I became aware of my spending tendencies when I'm down and paid better attention to what I was doing so as not to make matters worse. (NOTE: For those who care/worry about me I am dealing with the debt. My bills are paid, I have food to eat, and I still have a little extra to do the small things in life that are just fun. I've made a few sacrifices because of it but I'm not missing out on anything important so don't worry, no acts of desperation for me. I just keep working on it and praying about it and it will be OK.)
It wasn't until around the first of this year that I finally talked to my doctor about how I had been feeling. She told me that she had started me on the children's dose to see how my body would handle it. She had left me on it because, let's be honest, what's the purpose of upping a dosage if the one your own is working. So when I left that day I had a new prescription for the next higher dose. Once I started taking it I began to feel better again. Not quite as carefree as I had been when I first started the medicine but definitely not depressed. Then about 3 months ago (still feeling good) I talked to my doctor about anxiety. I've always been the anxious type but for a long time I thought it was normal; I was just wound a little tighter than everybody else. But, as I got older and I talked to some of my friends about it I realized that, while feeling anxious at times is normal, to feel it all the time and not be able to relax isn't. So, my doctor started me on an anti-anxiety medicine to go with the anti-depressant and I felt GREAT!
Matter of fact, I felt so good that I decided about mid-June that it had really been the anxiety all along and I wasn't really depressed. So, I decided to stop taking the anti-depressant and see how I'd do. If you know anything about this type of medicine you know what a HORRIBLE idea that was. The first few days I was OK. I was a little tired and distracted, but nothing I couldn't chalk up to staying up too late or the move I made that week to a new office (what a way to start a new job right). By the end of that week I was miserable though. That Friday I had to leave at lunch because I felt terrible. I cried most of the way home and when I got there I went straight to bed and sleep til about 9 or 10 that night. I got up for a couple hours and then right back to bed I went. This time I didn't get up until well after noon. I got up to take the rest of my medicine and it wasn't until I looked at the empty bottle that I realized what was wrong. I called my prescription in and even though I knew how badly I needed that medicine I still barely got back up out of the bed in time to pick it up before the pharmacy closed.
My doctor told me it would take about two weeks (maybe even a little longer since I had gotten sick (sinus infection) during that time) for it to get back into my system and stabilize me again. Let me tell you that was a MISERABLE two weeks. I was fine one minute and depressed the next. Pretty much any time I was alone, I was in tears. I cried every day on my way to and from work and actually found myself crying a couple times at my desk. Around my birthday (July 11) I started to think things were getting better but it didn't last very long. I found myself with that same empty feeling I had had around the end of last year. In the mornings all I wanted to do was stay in bed (worse than my normal I'm not a morning person feeling). I didn't want to leave the house at all but I knew I couldn't just use up all of my leave. It honestly wasn't until yesterday, July 31, that I "snapped out of it" even though I had been back on the medicine regularly for over a month.
At this point I'm really not certain about what happened and I started this blog so that maybe I can notice if there's any kind of pattern or any particular events/things that trigger my depression. I don't know if it just took longer than expected for the medicine to get back in my system or if it's possible I may have to look at changing my dosage again. Honestly, I haven't ruled out the idea that it might be something else besides depression. So, I figured this would be a way for me to keep track of what's going on better. I am planning to start talking to a counselor to see if they can help me be able to realize what's going on with me and teach me ways to deal with it. Please everyone keep me in your prayers. I know with God's help I'm going to win the war but I need the strength and courage to fight the daily battles.
A little over a year ago I was diagnosed with mild depression. My doctor started me on an anti-depressant. It worked great and surprisingly quickly. Granted, it took a week or so to feel the full effect but it really was remarkable how much better I felt even the first day of taking it. I found myself feeling like my old self again.
Unfortunately, that didn't last nearly as long as I had hoped. A few months after I started taking the medicine I was playing in a softball tournament in Panama City and dehydrated and almost passed out. It was about 100 degrees that day and, without thinking, I had taken my water pill that my doctor had prescribed because I retain water. In my mind I was trying to be good and take my medicine like I was suppose to but, I didn't consider the fact that a water pill will make you sweat a lot too, not just pee a lot. Being my stubborn self I tried to keep playing even though I knew that something was wrong. Eventually, the umpire stopped me as I was walking back in the dugout to get my glove and told my coach to take me out of the game because I was dehydrated. Apparently my lips had turned white and I had even less color in my face than normal (I mean, I am a very pale young lady, lol). One of my friends, trying to help, almost sent me into shock pouring an ice cold bottle of water over me. One of my teammates kept putting cold paper towels (we didn't have a towel at the time) on my forehead, neck, and wrists and almost as soon as she'd put them on me they'd be as burning up hot as I was. Sitting on the bench trying to cool off I kept closing my eyes and thinking "I just want to go to sleep." It wasn't until months later I realized that it wasn't really me wanting to go to sleep, it was my body about to pass out. I also realized later that I had actually gotten hot enough that I had stopped sweating. I know I should have gone to the hospital to get checked out but I just didn't like the idea of getting stuck in a hospital in Florida. Anyway, I don't know that this had anything to do with it but I wasn't the same after that. I wasn't really depressed again but just not as happy as I had been when I started the medicine.
After a few more months I had slipped into a pretty deep depression. I had been with the man of my dreams for about a year at this point, I had great parents who loved me, and a best friend that had always been there when I really needed her but yet I felt so empty inside. Unfortunately, I found that buying things made me feel happy and I wanted to feel happy so I bought things. I bought stuff for myself and everybody close to me. It wasn't always big things, actually most of the time it was small things but those small things began to add up. It wasn't until three months later that I realized what I had done. I had gotten myself into quite a bit of debt and that realization only served to plunge me further into depression. Thankfully though, I became aware of my spending tendencies when I'm down and paid better attention to what I was doing so as not to make matters worse. (NOTE: For those who care/worry about me I am dealing with the debt. My bills are paid, I have food to eat, and I still have a little extra to do the small things in life that are just fun. I've made a few sacrifices because of it but I'm not missing out on anything important so don't worry, no acts of desperation for me. I just keep working on it and praying about it and it will be OK.)
It wasn't until around the first of this year that I finally talked to my doctor about how I had been feeling. She told me that she had started me on the children's dose to see how my body would handle it. She had left me on it because, let's be honest, what's the purpose of upping a dosage if the one your own is working. So when I left that day I had a new prescription for the next higher dose. Once I started taking it I began to feel better again. Not quite as carefree as I had been when I first started the medicine but definitely not depressed. Then about 3 months ago (still feeling good) I talked to my doctor about anxiety. I've always been the anxious type but for a long time I thought it was normal; I was just wound a little tighter than everybody else. But, as I got older and I talked to some of my friends about it I realized that, while feeling anxious at times is normal, to feel it all the time and not be able to relax isn't. So, my doctor started me on an anti-anxiety medicine to go with the anti-depressant and I felt GREAT!
Matter of fact, I felt so good that I decided about mid-June that it had really been the anxiety all along and I wasn't really depressed. So, I decided to stop taking the anti-depressant and see how I'd do. If you know anything about this type of medicine you know what a HORRIBLE idea that was. The first few days I was OK. I was a little tired and distracted, but nothing I couldn't chalk up to staying up too late or the move I made that week to a new office (what a way to start a new job right). By the end of that week I was miserable though. That Friday I had to leave at lunch because I felt terrible. I cried most of the way home and when I got there I went straight to bed and sleep til about 9 or 10 that night. I got up for a couple hours and then right back to bed I went. This time I didn't get up until well after noon. I got up to take the rest of my medicine and it wasn't until I looked at the empty bottle that I realized what was wrong. I called my prescription in and even though I knew how badly I needed that medicine I still barely got back up out of the bed in time to pick it up before the pharmacy closed.
My doctor told me it would take about two weeks (maybe even a little longer since I had gotten sick (sinus infection) during that time) for it to get back into my system and stabilize me again. Let me tell you that was a MISERABLE two weeks. I was fine one minute and depressed the next. Pretty much any time I was alone, I was in tears. I cried every day on my way to and from work and actually found myself crying a couple times at my desk. Around my birthday (July 11) I started to think things were getting better but it didn't last very long. I found myself with that same empty feeling I had had around the end of last year. In the mornings all I wanted to do was stay in bed (worse than my normal I'm not a morning person feeling). I didn't want to leave the house at all but I knew I couldn't just use up all of my leave. It honestly wasn't until yesterday, July 31, that I "snapped out of it" even though I had been back on the medicine regularly for over a month.
At this point I'm really not certain about what happened and I started this blog so that maybe I can notice if there's any kind of pattern or any particular events/things that trigger my depression. I don't know if it just took longer than expected for the medicine to get back in my system or if it's possible I may have to look at changing my dosage again. Honestly, I haven't ruled out the idea that it might be something else besides depression. So, I figured this would be a way for me to keep track of what's going on better. I am planning to start talking to a counselor to see if they can help me be able to realize what's going on with me and teach me ways to deal with it. Please everyone keep me in your prayers. I know with God's help I'm going to win the war but I need the strength and courage to fight the daily battles.
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