I started this blog in order to help others. But every now and then, it gets to help me too by providing a sounding board for my frustrations and fears. It's funny to me that it takes me so long to work up the courage to talk to someone about these things but they flow so easily when I get on here. Maybe it's because there isn't a face looking back at me that I feel I have to try and discern its expressions to figure out what its owner is thinking. Maybe its the fact that without that face there I worry less about being judged and concentrate more on just getting out what I have to say. Or maybe, just maybe, it's because it gets me in a position that I can talk to God. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that God logs into Blogger and reads my posts. But, when I get to the point that I make a post like this, I've usually gotten so caught up in what's bothering me that I can't think clearly about what it is I want/need God's help with. Posts like this typically start out with me running through "what if" scenarios and "instant replays" in my head until they start coming out in a format that fits my writing style. At that point, I know it's time to get out the laptop and start typing because God has gotten me in a place where I have a clear mind to think through what's been bothering me and to be more receptive to what He's trying to tell me. I realize that may sound a bit "hoakie" to some who may read this but, I've always thought of prayer like having a conversation with a really good friend and I tend to approach my blog posts in much the same way so it works for me.
I learned this week that breaking points don't always have to be viewed as a bad thing. Sometimes, they are actually turning points in disguise. I've been under a lot of stress the past few weeks. It's been one of those times where nothing is really wrong but everything is wrong at the same time. I try to be strong, to handle these things on my own, but, unfortunately, may way of "dealing" with it turns more into ignoring it. So, for the past few weeks I've just pushed that frustration and stress down and marched my tail out the door each day pretending that nothing was wrong. On my way home from a softball tournament in ATL last weekend I began to recognize the signs that a breakdown was coming if I didn't just take some time to deal with things but my stubborn pride kept me from listening to that "still small voice." But, everything came to a head Wednesday morning. Actually, two of the things that have been bothering me the most reached somewhat of a solution that day which caused me to let my guard down just enough that all the fear and frustration I'd pushed down into a little bitty box came rushing out and hit me like a tidal wave. I really didn't realize how much stress I'd been keeping bottled up inside and when "the dam broke" the rush of emotions was overwhelming. I did what I try to never do and broke down in tears in public (well, as public as my desk at work gets) and started to feel sick so I put in a leave slip and came home where I slept most of the day in hopes of waking up refreshed and ready to go in the morning. I was feeling better Thursday but still needed just one more day to rest and recuperate.
For several weeks now I've been struggling with watching (from afar, but watching) the lives of some people I care a lot about fall apart. In and of itself that would be hard enough, but, for quite some time now I've seen signs that one of the people involved was likely suffering from ADHD and needed to get help. I didn't feel the Lord leading me to talk to them directly but I did what I could within His guidance to try and help them see that things could get better. Unfortunately, it was beyond my control and I couldn't reach them before things had already started to crumble. It was really hard. I mean, this person is exactly the type of person I started this blog for. The kind of person that I have such a passion for helping. It's hard to handle when you realize you can't get through to someone you love and you have to just sit back and watch them struggle. Deep down I was scared for myself too. I realized how easily it could have been me in the same situation if I hadn't put my pride aside and got help. I also realized how easily it still could be me if I ever stopped working to succeed in spite of my ADHD and allowed it to be an excuse. Let me tell you, at 28 (29 in a month) you have so much of life left to live and it's frightening to watch all of this happen to someone who is less than 10 years older than you. I mean, when you're a kid 10 years sounds like forever but as an adult you realize just how fast 10 years really is.
The other major thing that has been bothering me is softball. I know it might sound crazy to some out there who've never been involved or even understood how someone would want to be involved in sports but I've always heard that you never forget your first true love and slow-pitch softball was mine. For the first 4 or 5 years of me playing ball I was super confident. No matter their reputation I knew could hit any pitcher (in ASA slow-pitch we never had to worry about someone pitching too fast but lots of people tended to struggle on pitchers who pushed the upper limit of the arch rule). I could catch any ball hit my way and I could throw anybody out from 3rd to 1st. I wasn't arrogant. I knew that I wasn't perfect and there were others who had just as much and even more talent than I had, but I was confident. Then, in the 7th grade my world got turned upside-down. Ever since I could remember it had been my dream to have all 6 bars on my letterman's jacket (for playing 7-12 grade) and then going on to play somewhere in college. But, that was a dream that was never going to happen. I was cut from the team my 7th grade year because I was a slow runner. The coach tried to tell me without telling me but I was so convinced that my dream was going to happen that I couldn't hear her. I was devastated the next day at school when my name wasn't on the roster. I realize that after 16 years I should be able to let it go, and in all honesty, that specific event isn't what weighs on my mind, but that's the point I can trace back to where I lost my confidence. I managed to squeak out a decent high school career, but nothing that got the attention of any of the college scouts. But to this day, I can't regain the confidence I once had. I know it's not logical but I always feel like I have something to prove and I push myself so hard to "prove" myself I really just end up playing terrible. With all of that being said, my coach and I have talked and I'm going to keep playing league ball with the team and work on my game but not worry about travelling on the weekends until next year. As much as I know that's what I need, it really breaks my heart it had to come to that.
So, I've decided not to look at my "breakdown" on Wednesday as a bad thing, but to realize that it's an opportunity for me to turn some things around (not just those mentioned above) and to get back on track with the plans that God and I have for me. I've decided to put my latest challenge on hold for a while. It doesn't mean that I'm going to stop posting or that I've going to completely throw my new routine out the window, just that I'm going to focus on other things right now instead of holding myself to living up to the challenge when I have other things I need to be focusing on right now..
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