It's Been Awhile, A Long While

Well, I haven't posted to a blog in a LONG time.  But, lately I've been trying to deal with some stuff and decided that maybe a blog could be a good way for me to get things out and be able to keep a record of things (this reason will make more sense later).

A little over a year ago I was diagnosed with mild depression.  My doctor started me on an anti-depressant.  It worked great and surprisingly quickly.  Granted, it took a week or so to feel the full effect but it really was remarkable how much better I felt even the first day of taking it.  I found myself feeling like my old self again.

Unfortunately, that didn't last nearly as long as I had hoped.  A few months after I started taking the medicine I was playing in a softball tournament in Panama City and dehydrated and almost passed out.  It was about 100 degrees that day and, without thinking, I had taken my water pill that my doctor had prescribed because I retain water.  In my mind I was trying to be good and take my medicine like I was suppose to but, I didn't consider the fact that a water pill will make you sweat a lot too, not just pee a lot.  Being my stubborn self I tried to keep playing even though I knew that something was wrong.  Eventually, the umpire stopped me as I was walking back in the dugout to get my glove and told my coach to take me out of the game because I was dehydrated.  Apparently my lips had turned white and I had even less color in my face than normal (I mean, I am a very pale young lady, lol).  One of my friends, trying to help, almost sent me into shock pouring an ice cold bottle of water over me.  One of my teammates kept putting cold paper towels (we didn't have a towel at the time) on my forehead, neck, and wrists and almost as soon as she'd put them on me they'd be as burning up hot as I was.  Sitting on the bench trying to cool off I kept closing my eyes and thinking "I just want to go to sleep."  It wasn't until months later I realized that it wasn't really me wanting to go to sleep, it was my body about to pass out.  I also realized later that I had actually gotten hot enough that I had stopped sweating.  I know I should have gone to the hospital to get checked out but I just didn't like the idea of getting stuck in a hospital in Florida.  Anyway, I don't know that this had anything to do with it but I wasn't the same after that.  I wasn't really depressed again but just not as happy as I had been when I started the medicine.

After a few more months I had slipped into a pretty deep depression.  I had been with the man of my dreams for about a year at this point, I had great parents who loved me, and a best friend that had always been there when I really needed her but yet I felt so empty inside.  Unfortunately, I found that buying things made me feel happy and I wanted to feel happy so I bought things.  I bought stuff for myself and everybody close to me.  It wasn't always big things, actually most of the time it was small things but those small things began to add up.  It wasn't until three months later that I realized what I had done.  I had gotten myself into quite a bit of debt and that realization only served to plunge me further into depression.  Thankfully though, I became aware of my spending tendencies when I'm down and paid better attention to what I was doing so as not to make matters worse.  (NOTE:  For those who care/worry about me I am dealing with the debt.  My bills are paid, I have food to eat, and I still have a little extra to do the small things in life that are just fun.  I've made a few sacrifices because of it but I'm not missing out on anything important so don't worry, no acts of desperation for me.  I just keep working on it and praying about it and it will be OK.)

It wasn't until around the first of this year that I finally talked to my doctor about how I had been feeling.  She told me that she had started me on the children's dose to see how my body would handle it.  She had left me on it because, let's be honest, what's the purpose of upping a dosage if the one your own is working.  So when I left that day I had a new prescription for the next higher dose.  Once I started taking it I began to feel better again.  Not quite as carefree as I had been when I first started the medicine but definitely not depressed.  Then about 3 months ago (still feeling good) I talked to my doctor about anxiety.  I've always been the anxious type but for a long time I thought it was normal; I was just wound a little tighter than everybody else.  But, as I got older and I talked to some of my friends about it I realized that, while feeling anxious at times is normal, to feel it all the time and not be able to relax isn't.  So, my doctor started me on an anti-anxiety medicine to go with the anti-depressant and I felt GREAT!

Matter of fact, I felt so good that I decided about mid-June that it had really been the anxiety all along and I wasn't really depressed.  So, I decided to stop taking the anti-depressant and see how I'd do.  If you know anything about this type of medicine you know what a HORRIBLE idea that was.  The first few days I was OK.  I was a little tired and distracted, but nothing I couldn't chalk up to staying up too late or the move I made that week to a new office (what a way to start a new job right).  By the end of that week I was miserable though.  That Friday I had to leave at lunch because I felt terrible.  I cried most of the way home and when I got there I went straight to bed and sleep til about 9 or 10 that night.  I got up for a couple hours and then right back to bed I went.  This time I didn't get up until well after noon.  I got up to take the rest of my medicine and it wasn't until I looked at the empty bottle that I realized what was wrong.  I called my prescription in and even though I knew how badly I needed that medicine I still barely got back up out of the bed in time to pick it up before the pharmacy closed.

My doctor told me it would take about two weeks (maybe even a little longer since I had gotten sick (sinus infection) during that time) for it to get back into my system and stabilize me again.  Let me tell you that was a MISERABLE two weeks.  I was fine one minute and depressed the next.  Pretty much any time I was alone, I was in tears.  I cried every day on my way to and from work and actually found myself crying a couple times at my desk.  Around my birthday (July 11) I started to think things were getting better but it didn't last very long.  I found myself with that same empty feeling I had had around the end of last year.  In the mornings all I wanted to do was stay in bed (worse than my normal I'm not a morning person feeling).  I didn't want to leave the house at all but I knew I couldn't just use up all of my leave.  It honestly wasn't until yesterday, July 31, that I "snapped out of it" even though I had been back on the medicine regularly for over a month.

At this point I'm really not certain about what happened and I started this blog so that maybe I can notice if there's any kind of pattern or any particular events/things that trigger my depression.  I don't know if it just took longer than expected for the medicine to get back in my system or if it's possible I may have to look at changing my dosage again.  Honestly, I haven't ruled out the idea that it might be something else besides depression.  So, I figured this would be a way for me to keep track of what's going on better.  I am planning to start talking to a counselor to see if they can help me be able to realize what's going on with me and teach me ways to deal with it.  Please everyone keep me in your prayers.  I know with God's help I'm going to win the war but I need the strength and courage to fight the daily battles.