Well, I must say, August is shaping up to be a much better month for me than July was. I've still got a couple of things I'm trying to iron out but God never said life would be perfect. I'm just happy not to have that unexplainable feeling of emptiness that comes with my "down times" as I call them.
Throughout the years that I've been dealing with this my down times have cost me some friends. Of course, looking back, I realize that if they couldn't either see what was going on with me or understand when I tried to talk to them, then maybe they really weren't friends after all. You see, when I get down I withdraw, from almost everybody. When I am around people I try my best to hide what's going on. Somehow I've gotten it in my head that for me to be truly successful I have to have it together in every aspect of my life. I perceive it as a sign of weakness to let anybody know I'm struggling. Those "friends" I lost could only see what they perceived as me abandoning them. Even when I swallowed my pride and tried to talk to them about what was going on they didn't understand. Or they would seem to at the time and then later just stop answering my calls.
When I pull out of a down time I have a tendency to brush everything off. I think, "I wasn't depressed, I was just being a wuss," or "I was just making a big deal out of nothing." I think that's what kept me from getting help for so long. When I was down I was too ashamed to tell anybody what was going on because I didn't feel like I had any reason to be depressed. And when I got better I felt so good it was easy to dismiss what I had been feeling as an overreaction on my part and thus see no reason to get help. I'm glad I finally made the first step. I finally had to get to a point that I realized that this roller coaster I had come to call life wasn't normal and I didn't have to keep living that way. I realize it may take some time for everything to come together so that I feel in control again (though I do realize that God is always in control whether I feel I am or not). I do get impatient sometimes, OK a lot. I have a bad tendency to think, "OK, God, You said You were going to work this out for me so..." I realize that's not how He works though. Sometimes we have to get ourselves ready to receive the blessings He has for us. That's a big reason why, despite the nagging voice in my head trying to tell me I really don't need it, I made an appointment with someone in the Employee Assistance Program at work. The other reason is, while I understand the "friends" I mentioned above might not have really been friends at all, I do worry about the affect my roller coaster ride might have/has on those I love. I don't want to cause them unnecessary grief or worry. I also know that, no matter how much you love somebody, there's only so much you can take.
As always I appreciate the prayers of anyone reading. I'm feeling great right now and I'm hoping to find a way to keep it that way.
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