It's been a weird few days for me. Tuesday I found myself really tired though I really wasn't sure why. I managed to work my way through it but most of the day I had a lot of trouble staying focused on a task I had at work. The rest of the time I'd find myself "hyper-focused" and almost forgot to eat lunch. By the end of the day I was so tired I just wanted to go home and crash and I had a slight headache, the kind I get when my brain is tired from concentrating.
I didn't think too much of it though. I just thought it had been a rough day. Everybody has them now and then. So, I went to bed early to get a little extra rest but still barely drug my butt out of bed the next morning. I was very tired all day and just felt off. I managed to make it through the day and found myself very thankful I was going to be off work today (I wasn't looking forward to the reason I was taking off but that's beside the point).
Well, this morning I got up, barely, and just before I started getting ready to go take care of my "chore" for the day I looked back over the paperwork and realized I somehow got the wrong date in my head and I was about a week early. Well, I thought about going on in to work but I decided since I'd already put in for the time off and made plans to get some other stuff done I'd just go ahead and take a day to relax a little and accomplish some things around the house I've been too busy or too tired to do. But first...a nap! I slept for about an hour and half and then got back up. I did a few things around the house and after only a few hours I was exhausted again. I laid back down around 2:00 and didn't drag out of the bed until about 4:00.
This triggered the, ok, something's not right here thought process for me. I've always loved to sleep but, since I got all my medicines squared away I've stopped taking naps quite as often as I use to. Also, even though I've never been a morning person, it's been easier to get out of the bed in the morning since I've been on the medication. I thought, and I thought, and I thought and I finally remembered looking down at the medicine in my hand this morning and realized that something didn't look right. Eureka! I figured it out. I ran out of my ADD medicine. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not excited about the fact that I hadn't taken it but at least I knew what the problem was. Like a friend of mine said on Facebook, "For someone with chronic and persistent medical issues with no attributable cause, this is a gift."
Earlier in the week I had put all my medicine in my pill organizer. I didn't have enough of the Vyvanse for the whole week but my prescription was already at the pharmacy so I just had to wait until I could get it filled (it's a controlled drug so there are very tight rules and regulations on when and how they can be filled). Well, I forgot to go by the pharmacy and pick it up and, since I was taking medicine every morning, it didn't even dawn on me it wasn't there. I knew I needed to go get the prescription but I was still so tired I just didn't want to go. I finally convinced myself it was better to be a little put out now than to have a miserable day tomorrow so I went. I actually took the pill before I even left the pharmacy parking lot in hopes it'd kick in soon and it did.
On the way home I started thinking about how amazing the miracle of medications can be and really wondered why I had ever fought taking them so much because I feel amazing when I take them and awful when I don't. One thing lead to another and I started thinking about what I would do if I ever got to a point that I couldn't take the medicine anymore. I mean, I started to have allergy testing done and when I found out you have to have been off all "maintenance" medication (that's what my depression, anxiety, and ADD medicines are considered) for 5 days before the test to ensure they didn't mess with the results I quickly changed my mind.
Then my mind turned to having kids. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to start a family tomorrow, but I've reached the age where it is at least something I think about wanting. I remember an appointment I had with my ADD coach a while back when we discussed this issue. I told her that I had just gotten over being absolutely terrified of having kids and now I'm on medications that I can't take when I'm pregnant and I'm scared I'll go insane if I'm off of them for 9 months. She assured me that I shouldn't worry. There are plenty of things we can do when the time comes. I don't know yet what they are but I've been thinking about researching it some and maybe making a post about it.
I realize all of this may sound like a bit of rambling but I wanted to share it in case anyone out there has the same fear(s) that I had (and still have at times). Your mental illness does not have to be liability. It doesn't have to keep you from accomplishing the things you want out of life. You just have to learn how to work with it.
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