Keep on Keeping On

As I've stated in my previous posts, things have gotten a lot better for me since I started my ADD treatment, but, that doesn't mean that everything is perfect (much to my dismay, lol).

Softball has been a major part of my life almost as long as I can remember.  Minus a couple years as an adult when I didn't know anyone in the softball world here, I've been playing since I was 8 (I played coach pitch baseball (they pitched under-handed) at 6 & 7).  So, that's almost 20 years of softball and I'm still about a year and 3 months away from being 30!  Shortly after my birthday (and the big annual tournament) last year, I realized that I needed to take a break.  The game that I love had become a chore for me.  This was still a few months before I started going to my psychiatrist and got my meds straightened out or even knew that I had ADD.  My head was swimming with so many thoughts and emotions I couldn't keep up and the more I realized I couldn't seem to control them, the more thoughts and emotions started swirling around.  Softball had always been my escape, the place I could go to forget about problems for a while and just have fun.  Unfortunately my under medicated anxiety (the depression was pretty much under control) and un-diagnosed ADD was well on it's way to taking that solace away from me.

It took me a while to make up my mind but I eventually sent an email out to the team (I knew I'd never get my words together like I wanted in person) letting them know that I had greatly enjoyed being a part of the team but that I needed to take a break for a while to deal with some things.  It took a little while to adjust to not playing softball 3 or 4 days a week, but, I realized it really was for the best and I eventually dealt with it.

Well, a couple months ago, softball season came back around (we started practicing in February doing conditioning) and I was so excited.  With my new found peace of mind and the 35-40 pounds I'd dropped I just new I'd be back to playing up to my full potential and I was going to have a great season.  Then, before I even got to play in my first tournament of the season, I was injured.  I must admit, I got a little down about it and started to wonder if that was God's way of telling me I should have listened to Momma (who's been trying to tell me for several years now that I'd feel better physically if I stopped playing).  I didn't want to be one of those players who stayed in the game too long and people have the conversations about, "Man, they use to....," but I just couldn't give it up yet.  Maybe it was a little pride, I mean, here I am only 28 and I'm thinking about not playing because I've got bad joints but there are people 15-20 years my senior still out there playing, but mostly I just couldn't stand the thought of giving up something that had been such a huge part of my life for so long.

Anyway, to get back on track, fortunately my injury wasn't as serious as I'd drawn up in my head it was.  At first I thought my thumb was just jammed and if I could just get it to pop one good time I'd be better.  Then  I thought it was fractured.  By the time I realized I couldn't move it at all and I was going to an orthopedic doctor I was convinced I had snapped my tendon and was going to have to have surgery.  Fortunately, the fracture wasn't a fracture but a bad angel on the X-ray and my tendon was in tact.  I just had tendinitis that a cortisone shot would clear up.  Now, let me warn you, if you are the least bit squeamish or nervous about needles, DO NOT LOOK AT THE NEEDLE if you ever have a cortisone shot.  I think the shot hurt worse than the tendinitis but within a couple weeks I was back to normal and ready to pick back up my love affair with softball. :-)

I've been very happy that my hitting is getting back up to par for me.  It really is amazing to walk into the batters box and be confident again and not have a million and one "do this" and "don't do that"s running through my head.  Unfortunately, my fielding just isn't coming back like I'd hoped.  Growing up I played first and third base (obviously not at the same time, lol).  However, about my sophomore year in high school I realized that, due to my lack of foot speed, the upper upperclassmen were going to continue to beat me out for the third base position so I refocused on being the best catcher I could be (and not one of those you just put at catcher to hide them) in hopes of more playing time and it worked.  Before long I beat out the girl who was already the starter and I was the starting catcher for the Lady Bears Varsity softball team until I graduated.  Even though I still love to catch, the last few years I've found myself wanting to get back out in the field.  When I was playing in the field all the time the rhythm of catch and throw came naturally to me, but not so much anymore.  I rush (imagine that, and AD/HDer rushing, lol) and jump ahead of myself and try to throw the ball before I've actually caught it.  I realize whether or not I can catch a ball isn't a huge deal in the grand scheme of life, but I LOVE this game!  I don't expect to be perfect but I really want to play up to my ability and I know I'm not.  After a scrimmage game last weekend I found myself very upset and contemplating giving up.  I even text my boyfriend and said, "This ADD really is messing up my fielding.  Why in world can't I focus on something I love so much?!" (Thankfully he realized what kind of mood I was in and just left it alone, lol).

I'm sad to admit that I was just about ready to give up.  I was about to cross over into the point of no return.  I'd already had to quit mid-season last year, if I did it again it'd start to look like a trend instead of a necessary step.  Thankfully, my inner voice kicked in, Gibbs-slapped me upside the head, and told me it was time to quit feeling sorry for myself and put on my big girl panties.  At that point I did what I do best in these type situations.  I prayed for guidance and started researching online.  Very quickly I found the names of several professional athletes who have AD/HD.  After reading all those names I started thinking, if they can overcome AD/HD to become some of the top performers in their sport, I can certainly overcome it enough to play Recreational Softball.

The moral of this story is this, no matter how well you've dealt with your mental health diagnosis, no matter how many plans and strategies you've put in place to help your life run more smoothly, there will always be the occasional day where things just don't seem to go your way.  Those are not the days that you need to give up and undermine everything you've worked so hard to put in place.  Those are the days that you have to dig deep and find the courage and the strength to "keep on keeping on," knowing that better days are just around the corner.