Now, on to my post. :)
Wednesday of last week I woke up with a migraine in the making. My head was already hurting and it was one of those headaches where the mere thought of food makes you feel like you're going to throw-up all the nothingness that's in your stomach. I wanted to feel really sorry for myself. I wanted to milk it for all it was worth, take the day off, and just sleep. But, instead I made a conscious decision to make the best of it. I reminded myself that even though I wasn't feeling well I was really very blessed. I was able to get out of the bed under my own power, a blessing that too many people don't have, and that I should be thankful for the good things instead of dwelling on the bad.
I managed to muddle through my day and stayed remarkably upbeat despite feeling rough. Then, as I walked through the parking lot to my car I was greeted with a beautiful site!
It was amazing how quickly the cares of the day melted away into childlike wonder at the site of this natural beauty. I actually took a slightly longer route home just so I could see it longer and had a smile on my face the entire 30-45 minute drive home. I enjoyed thinking of it as my rainbow. It was God's gift to me for surviving a rough day. :) I realize it wasn't really mine but it sure was fun pretending!
The rest of my week went well. Nothing spectacular, but positively upbeat. Saturday was Momma's birthday and she and Daddy came to town to eat at Lone Star and I met them there. Due to an illness in the family we weren't having our big family Easter Egg hunt this year so I decided to stay home an attend my own church this year. It didn't take me long to realize that I was exactly where God wanted me that day.
I keep this little pad of paper with me so I can write down my special prayer requests. I saw it at Family Christian Book Store and just had to have it though I really didn't know at the time what I was going to use it for.
Not all the prayer requests are for me. Actually, most are for friends and family. And, while I know I need God's guidance in all things big and small, I mainly write down the longer term requests as a reminder of what my family, friends, and I are working towards. I use to go through it periodically as a way to keep me focused on the things that matter but lately I've been very lax about it.
Sunday I was looking through my purse for something during the Praise & Worship part of service and came across the pad of paper. I pulled it out to look through it right quick and when I got to a page with a prayer request that had been answered I decided to pull out a pen and write Thank You! I put the pen away and thought I was going to put the pad back in my purse but it just wasn't time yet. As I looked through the book I noticed I had a changed mindset. Instead of simply thinking "Yea, that hasn't happened yet," I found myself being thankful for the small changes I'd seen that I knew was God putting things in place to answer my prayer. So, I got my pen back out and wrote a little thank you message on most of the pages. The request that stuck with me the most was a prayer request I'd written down to no longer need my depression and anxiety medicine. It amazes me how God works. When I read that page I realized that God had seen through the misguided request that I had made to get at the heart of what I really wanted. I just wanted to live my life without the depression and anxiety at the reigns. I wanted to be in control instead of being controlled.
As I've stated in the past, depression and anxiety medicine will only get you to about 60% of "normal." The other 40% has to come from YOU. I know it's not easy, trust me, but your biggest triumphs over depression and anxiety begin when you set your mind to it. I'm not saying all the symptoms will go away just because you think about it, and I'm definitely not suggesting you come off your medication as that decision should be made with your doctor and not all on your own. But, when you begin to make that concentrated effort to better your state of mind instead of waiting for the medicine or a miraculous event to sweep you off your feet and take the depression away, slowly but surely things can begin to look up.
Before I wrap this post up I want to make it clear that I'm not suggesting that your depression or anxiety is "all in your head" or that it's simply a matter of not trying. I've been right there with you. I've been through the days where it was all I could do to get out of bed. Honestly, there were days that if I didn't have to work to keep a roof over mine and the dogs heads and food in our bellies I probably wouldn't have gotten out of bed at all. I've even had the well meaning people who thought they could motivate me through it and the misinformed who said "Isn't depression suppose to be temporary" who, though their intentions were good, or at least not bad, really only served as a stumbling block, so I know exactly how hard it is to get to that point. I didn't do it on my own though. God has been there with me every step of the way and carried me when I didn't have the strength to walk it on my own.
In closing, I'd like to say that if you're reading my blog or any other available resources because you've realized that something's just not right and you want to know more about how things can get better you're taking a step in the right direction. I encourage you, if you haven't already, talk to your doctor so the two of you can work together to find the solution that works best for you. If you've been seeing your family doctor for a while and things just aren't improving like you'd hoped, maybe you should consider asking him/her to refer you to a psychiatrist. I know the stigma that surrounds the idea of having a psychiatrist, I still personally struggle with that stigma even though I realize how much help mine has been but, having a psychiatrist doesn't mean you're one step away from being committed. They went to school and specialized in working with mental disorders and can often help you in ways that your family doctor can't. If you wouldn't think twice about going to a specialist for an ankle, wrist, shoulder, etc. then why not afford your mind, the thing that keeps it all going, the same luxury?
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