Furlough Funk

I don't normally talk about many work related events in an online format, but today I'm going to make a bit of an exception.

When I entered civil service I raised my right hand and took the civil servant's oath.

 I, __________, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter.  So help me God.

Even though I had to look this up online and can't recite it from memory, I take this oath very seriously. That's why I don't openly talk about my job much.  I do my part to "defend the Constitution..against all enemies" by not making myself a target to those who may be looking for an "inside man" or to anyone trolling the internet looking for tidbits of information that may seem innocuous at the time but can be combined with other tidbits to make a "big picture" that does not need to fall into enemy hands.  I don't say any of this to throw stones at anyone, this is my personal conviction as part of the way I "faithfully discharge the duties of the office" I entered.  Although, as I said in the beginning, I am making a bit of an exception to talk about work related issues in this post, I am still holding true to this conviction as I will not be discussing any specifics of what I do or even where I do them.  I know I may seem a bit over the top, nutty, or ridiculous to some, but I DO NOT take it lightly when I say "So help me God."  That phrase might not mean much to others, but it is everything to me.

I've been in a bit of a funk lately and, since it seemed to start about the same time as the government furlough that's now in place, I have not-so-lovingly named it the Furlough Funk.  I know talk of the furlough has been all over the news and many of the people who read my posts may be civil servants themselves or related to someone who is, but for those who may not know what I'm talking about I will explain.  I know Wikipedia isn't always a reliable source since users are allowed to make entries and may or may not have verifiable information, but I'm not writing a scholarly or official paper here so it will suit my purpose just fine in this instance.  I will summarize, but you can view the entire Wikipedia article by clicking here.  Since Congress was unable to reach an agreement on legislation to decrease the nation deficit, budget sequestration took effect March 1, 2013.  Sequestration is automatic, across the board (with a few exceptions) cuts in the budgets of different government entities.  While civil servants pay was not directly affected by sequestration, the SUBSTANTIAL budget cuts caused some agencies to enact a furlough, or involuntary, unpaid time off for many of their employees.  Unfortunately, I am one of the many civil servants affected by a government agency's furlough. Essentially this means we have just has much work to get done, but less time to do it, and we're getting paid 20% less for our efforts.

I've had some form of anxiety for about as long as I can remember.  So, I've learned to try and focus on the positive in a situation to keep my anxiety in check.  I know it's normal for people to be anxious from time to time, but I seem to go a bit overboard if I don't find a way to get my anxiety in check before it becomes a problem so that's how I learned to make myself focus on the positive, whatever it may be.  However, a good friend and mentor of sorts recently pointed out to me that that really isn't as healthy as I first thought.  While it's good to search for the positive, ignoring the negative all together causes it to fester until it "explodes" in some other part of our life (which has happened for me recently).  So, she recommended acknowledging the negative feelings, but not dwelling on them.  She also reminded me that there are things that we don't like (i.e. have negative feelings about) but there is nothing we can do or want to do to fix it, but we still need to acknowledge how we feel and move on. So, this post is my attempt to do that.

• I'm angry that I'm losing 20% of my pay for 3 months (as things stand right now).  I am very thankful to have a good job, I'm glad I still have a job instead of being unemployed, and, to be perfectly honest, I am enjoying the 3 day weekends, but I feel cheated.  I've been trying so hard to clear up some past mistakes and, just as I'm on the verge of turning it around, a large chunk of my income is taken away (due to no fault of my own).  While I know cutting out bills that aren't necessities was something I had to do, it's the responsible thing to do, I hate that one of the things I had to cut was my personal training contract at the gym.  It isn't really cut, it's frozen until after the furlough so I'm not losing any time but I was really beginning to get really into working out and being in the gym, and while I know I can still use the gym without a trainer, it's not the same.  I wasn't ready to do this on my own.
• I hate that the people who try to live a good life and do what's right are the people that continue to get pooped on by the world.  I realize that God never said being a Christian would be easy.  Sometimes I want to give people a dose of their own medicine but I know if I let myself get down on their level, not only would I be going against my Christian faith, but I would be miserable afterwards.  The human part of me wants revenge, wants to see those who have wronged me get what "they deserve" in my eyes, but I know that God is in control and "vengeance is Mine..." saith the Lord.  I know I'm only human, but I hate that I have to struggle so hard with the part of me that wants revenge and the part that knows I need to just turn it over to God.
• I'm scared.  I recently read in my ADDitude magazine "ADHDers experience the most dramatic symptom improvement in the first six months to a year of treatment.  After that, they don't make as much progress."  I've been in treatment for almost 2 years and I'm nowhere near where I want to be and I'm scared that I never will be.  I'm afraid I'll never get control of my ADHD symptoms, especially the ones that nobody really seems to realize are due to ADHD.  I'm afraid I'll have problems in relationships for the rest of my life because, no matter how much I care about the person I'm in a relationship with, I can't seem to overcome the ADHD traits that cause the most problems.
• I'm hurt that when I found the person that was such a huge blessing to me, they were too focused on their own problems to let me be the blessing to them they knew I could be.  I'm even more hurt that a door suddenly slammed shut where I thought only a walkway existed.  I'm frustrated that even though I realize that door is closed, there's a part of my heart that can't completely let them go, but most of all, I'm irritated that, when I new door opened with everything I could ever ask for, that piece of me that can't let go of the person behind that closed door causes so much pain for the man who is trying to be my everything now.

Anyway, I think that's enough for now.  It feels good to get this off my chest.  Now maybe I can move forward with the positive and make some changes for the better.  I ask all of you to keep me in your thoughts and prayers.