#NoMore Silence

It's been a rough year for me. I've been through things I wouldn't wish on anybody. Things definitely could have been much worse, but they still weren't good. I've been controlled, made to feel I was worthless, and feared for my safety, all from someone who was supposed to love me. I had my world view shattered and my sense of self rocked to the point that I lost sight of who I am. Despite intermittent self esteem issues I've always had a good sense of who I am at my core. So, when I found myself at 30 years old not knowing who I was for the first time in my life, I didn't know how to handle it.

Thankfully, the worst part is behind me. I got out of that horrible relationship just before things got physical. But I still have a road to recovery ahead of me. Some days I'm fine. I feel like my old self again for the most part. But then there are days like I've had the past month where I seem to go backward instead of forward. Days where the feelings of worthlessness come back and it becomes all I can do to survive life....and I can forget about truly LIVING life on those days.

You see, I've learned first hand just how fragile the human psyche really is. I worry that I'll be spreading myself too thin trying to heal myself and spread awareness about mental health. I'm afraid I may look like I'm just jumping on the bandwagon if I try to talk about domestic violence as well but I'm realizing that, for me, I can no longer separate the two causes because one so greatly affects the other.

In so many ways I wish I could completely erase his existence from my memory, but I know it doesn't happen like that. Instead I have to focus on no longer hiding my feelings, no longer being ashamed of what I went through, and learning how to cope with the trauma in my past so it doesn't take away my future.

I've found that things get worse for me when I try to bottle it all up and push it down like it doesn't exist. That's incredibly unhealthy and it makes me withdraw from my family and friends who love me. The ones that are always there for me. The ones who know what I'm capable of and want nothing but the best for me. MY SUPPORT SYSTEM.  I know it won't be easy and I'm not saying I'll be super consistent at first, but I've got to find a way to dig myself out of this funk and I'm realizing how much better I feel just by making this post. So maybe it's time to kick old habits to the curb and instead of running from my feelings, meeting them head on. Maybe my story will help someone else out there, or maybe blogging will only help me. Either way, it's worth the discomfort that comes with attacking my pain in order to make someone's life a little better.