Have you ever heard the phrase "wolf in sheep's clothing?" That's kind of how I think of the stereotypical abuser except with a slight twist. I think they are sheep with a wolf's heart.
One of the things I struggled with the most shortly after I broke free was "How could I not see that he was like that?" People with ADHD often struggle to pick up on social cues and I was afraid I was SO bad at it that I'd never be able to tell the "bad guys" apart from the "good guys." I was afraid that the only way I could avoid being hurt over and over again was to be alone for the rest of my life. I talked this fear over with my counselor at the time and she taught me something very important. The typical profile of an abuser is someone who is very well thought of by the vast majority. Many are very charismatic. You may never know how they really are before you get in a relationship with them. Underneath they are very insecure and they compensate for that by controlling those that mean the most to them.
That explained SO much for me. I had made bad decisions on who to date in the past so I tried to be much more careful that time. I talked to him in an attempt to get to know him. I watched how he interacted with others. I took notice of how others spoke of him and he seemed to be a genuine, caring, good guy who was just a little rough around the edges so I decided to go for it.
At first things were wonderful. We enjoyed spending time together, he was a gentleman, and he was there for me when I needed him. But over time, things changed. It started with little things. Things that I really didn't like but weren't necessarily deal breakers yet. I knew I couldn't change him and didn't bother trying, but I thought we could work to reach a compromise so I stayed in it.
Things continued to get worse and worse. I felt guilty because the truth was I still had feelings for someone else. He knew it up front. I didn't hide it. I thought I was ready to move on but in reality I had gotten my feelings hurt and I had an "I'll show you" attitude. The thing I tried to ignore was that I was attracted to him because the side that he showed the world reminded me of the one I was trying to forget.
He wasted no time in telling me how much he loved me and that it'd break his heart if I left him. I wasn't as emotionally invested as he seemed to be, but I just couldn't stand the thought of breaking his heart because I couldn't make up my mind. So I prayed and told God I was leaving the relationship in His hands. That I would be OK whether it was meant to be or not but if it wasn't meant to be, please let it end in a way that won't break his heart.
Looking back, God gave me several chances to get out but the sheep with the wolf's heart had already gotten in my head and I couldn't see it. I actually "broke up" with him once. I was surprised that he didn't argue or yell he just started gathering his things. But, before he left he walked up to me with the sweet way he had in the moments he wasn't being mean and asked me if this was what I really wanted. And I caved. I told him no, that I just needed to know that I could do it. And that was the beginning of the end. He knew he had me and the cruelty that ensued from that moment on was unbelievable.
Now, even though you may not be able to see the wolf's heart before the relationship begins, there are warning signs to look for before and during the relationship. Things that I saw but turned a blind eye to them. God gave us those little intuitions for a reason. They're there to help keep us safe. But please know, no matter how many warning signs you ignored like I did, the abuse will NEVER be your fault. No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship. We all get blinded to what's in front of us at times. It's part of what makes us human and you do not deserve to be treated with cruelty just because you made a human mistake.
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