Just Because

The constant need for mental stimulation that comes with AD/HD combined with my innate analytical personality that questions everything in the pursuit of a greater understanding makes it EXTREMELY difficult for me to do much of anything "just because."  Growing up, my parents nurtured and encouraged my need to understand why I did things instead of just doing them as much as they could. I haven't specifically asked them about it, but I'm sure there was at least a two-fold reason for this.  One reason being, Mr. Land, the DeKalb County Gifted Program teacher when I was in school, "counseled" my parents on what to expect and how best to give me what I needed while still maintaining that they were in charge.  The second reason I gleaned from conversations we had while I was growing up.  They didn't want me to do things just because "everyone else is doing it."  They wanted me to think for myself and not get swept up into peer pressure.  All that being said, I had to learn to walk a VERY fine line between a pursuit of understanding and being "insubordinate."  I could typically tell when I was getting close to crossing that line though.  That was usually when I was given the response, "Because I'm your Momma/Daddy and I said so." :)

As I grew-up and got more independent it got harder for me to find that line I wasn't suppose to cross.  To this day, my parents can still make me toe that line relatively easily (though they do respect the fact that I am an adult) but I'm pretty certain "Because I said so" wouldn't go over so well coming from anybody else.  My natural reaction, whether I managed to stifle it or actually said it, would be something like this... "Who are you?!"  I know I'm not suppose to be like that.  I know the problem isn't in the fact that I question the logic behind decisions but in the way I question that logic.  I try so hard to find a way to be true to myself while still being the "good employee" I'm expected to be but I just haven't found a way that works.  I've at least learned to take a deep breath, say "OK," and walk away.  It keeps me from saying something I shouldn't and therefore makes my boss happier, but that response just doesn't fit who I am and leaves me feeling frustrated, besides I'm certain my facial expression gives away what I'm thinking anyway (thus why this response makes my boss happier and not happy).  I really wish I could find a way to ask the questions and still portray that I do understand  who the boss is, I just need there to be some logic to the things I do, but, when things seem illogical to me I get frustrated, and when I get frustrated it comes out in everything I do or say, even if I'm only frustrated with the process and not the person.

Work isn't the only place I struggle with the "just because" logic.  When I was first diagnosed with AD/HD I was so gung-ho about finding ways to make things work.  I set a million (eh, slight exaggeration) alarms on my phone to help me keep track of what time it is and when I'm suppose to do what and for a while I loved it!  But, after a while, it's like, OK, I've proven I can do it, that's enough.  Now, every time that alarm goes off (minus the ones to remind me to take my medication) it's like a mini-debate in my head.  I'm like a child bargaining with his/her parents for "5 more minutes" (which my cell alarm happily gives when the snooze button is pressed) except I'm bargaining with myself.  It's almost like I think, "Why do I have to jump up just because that alarm went off?"  I'd go even further and say it also seems to cross my mind, "Why do I have to stop what I'm doing and write something down just because I know I need to remember what I was just told?  I'll get to it in a minute."

I know that my way of looking at certain situations isn't the best.  I'm trying hard to overcome my natural inclinations on some things but it's just not easy.  Since I've had good results with cognitive therapy and challenges in the past I've got an idea.  Every day for the next 2 work weeks I have to write down (or type) at least 1 good things about following a routine.  At the end of the two weeks I will share all my realizations.  Also, before I go to bed tonight, I will come up with some sort of schedule that I can live by so I can start my new challenge tomorrow.  Like my last challenge this will apply to Mon-Fri as I will allow myself the weekend to be relatively schedule free (everyone needs a break).  I will post to my blog at least 3 times a week and I will follow my schedule/routine (barring unforeseen, uncontrollable circumstances) at least 4 days a week.  If I do this for 4 weeks in a row I will allow myself to buy the tablet I've been wanting but don't really need.  This challenge will be on-going until I do it 4 weeks in a row.  The goal isn't to make myself a blind follower (I HIGHLY doubt that would happen anyway) but it is to change the way I think about things so that maybe, just maybe, I can find that middle ground I've been searching for.