I started this blog in order to help others. But every now and then, it gets to help me too by providing a sounding board for my frustrations and fears. It's funny to me that it takes me so long to work up the courage to talk to someone about these things but they flow so easily when I get on here. Maybe it's because there isn't a face looking back at me that I feel I have to try and discern its expressions to figure out what its owner is thinking. Maybe its the fact that without that face there I worry less about being judged and concentrate more on just getting out what I have to say. Or maybe, just maybe, it's because it gets me in a position that I can talk to God. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that God logs into Blogger and reads my posts. But, when I get to the point that I make a post like this, I've usually gotten so caught up in what's bothering me that I can't think clearly about what it is I want/need God's help with. Posts like this typically start out with me running through "what if" scenarios and "instant replays" in my head until they start coming out in a format that fits my writing style. At that point, I know it's time to get out the laptop and start typing because God has gotten me in a place where I have a clear mind to think through what's been bothering me and to be more receptive to what He's trying to tell me. I realize that may sound a bit "hoakie" to some who may read this but, I've always thought of prayer like having a conversation with a really good friend and I tend to approach my blog posts in much the same way so it works for me.
I learned this week that breaking points don't always have to be viewed as a bad thing. Sometimes, they are actually turning points in disguise. I've been under a lot of stress the past few weeks. It's been one of those times where nothing is really wrong but everything is wrong at the same time. I try to be strong, to handle these things on my own, but, unfortunately, may way of "dealing" with it turns more into ignoring it. So, for the past few weeks I've just pushed that frustration and stress down and marched my tail out the door each day pretending that nothing was wrong. On my way home from a softball tournament in ATL last weekend I began to recognize the signs that a breakdown was coming if I didn't just take some time to deal with things but my stubborn pride kept me from listening to that "still small voice." But, everything came to a head Wednesday morning. Actually, two of the things that have been bothering me the most reached somewhat of a solution that day which caused me to let my guard down just enough that all the fear and frustration I'd pushed down into a little bitty box came rushing out and hit me like a tidal wave. I really didn't realize how much stress I'd been keeping bottled up inside and when "the dam broke" the rush of emotions was overwhelming. I did what I try to never do and broke down in tears in public (well, as public as my desk at work gets) and started to feel sick so I put in a leave slip and came home where I slept most of the day in hopes of waking up refreshed and ready to go in the morning. I was feeling better Thursday but still needed just one more day to rest and recuperate.
For several weeks now I've been struggling with watching (from afar, but watching) the lives of some people I care a lot about fall apart. In and of itself that would be hard enough, but, for quite some time now I've seen signs that one of the people involved was likely suffering from ADHD and needed to get help. I didn't feel the Lord leading me to talk to them directly but I did what I could within His guidance to try and help them see that things could get better. Unfortunately, it was beyond my control and I couldn't reach them before things had already started to crumble. It was really hard. I mean, this person is exactly the type of person I started this blog for. The kind of person that I have such a passion for helping. It's hard to handle when you realize you can't get through to someone you love and you have to just sit back and watch them struggle. Deep down I was scared for myself too. I realized how easily it could have been me in the same situation if I hadn't put my pride aside and got help. I also realized how easily it still could be me if I ever stopped working to succeed in spite of my ADHD and allowed it to be an excuse. Let me tell you, at 28 (29 in a month) you have so much of life left to live and it's frightening to watch all of this happen to someone who is less than 10 years older than you. I mean, when you're a kid 10 years sounds like forever but as an adult you realize just how fast 10 years really is.
The other major thing that has been bothering me is softball. I know it might sound crazy to some out there who've never been involved or even understood how someone would want to be involved in sports but I've always heard that you never forget your first true love and slow-pitch softball was mine. For the first 4 or 5 years of me playing ball I was super confident. No matter their reputation I knew could hit any pitcher (in ASA slow-pitch we never had to worry about someone pitching too fast but lots of people tended to struggle on pitchers who pushed the upper limit of the arch rule). I could catch any ball hit my way and I could throw anybody out from 3rd to 1st. I wasn't arrogant. I knew that I wasn't perfect and there were others who had just as much and even more talent than I had, but I was confident. Then, in the 7th grade my world got turned upside-down. Ever since I could remember it had been my dream to have all 6 bars on my letterman's jacket (for playing 7-12 grade) and then going on to play somewhere in college. But, that was a dream that was never going to happen. I was cut from the team my 7th grade year because I was a slow runner. The coach tried to tell me without telling me but I was so convinced that my dream was going to happen that I couldn't hear her. I was devastated the next day at school when my name wasn't on the roster. I realize that after 16 years I should be able to let it go, and in all honesty, that specific event isn't what weighs on my mind, but that's the point I can trace back to where I lost my confidence. I managed to squeak out a decent high school career, but nothing that got the attention of any of the college scouts. But to this day, I can't regain the confidence I once had. I know it's not logical but I always feel like I have something to prove and I push myself so hard to "prove" myself I really just end up playing terrible. With all of that being said, my coach and I have talked and I'm going to keep playing league ball with the team and work on my game but not worry about travelling on the weekends until next year. As much as I know that's what I need, it really breaks my heart it had to come to that.
So, I've decided not to look at my "breakdown" on Wednesday as a bad thing, but to realize that it's an opportunity for me to turn some things around (not just those mentioned above) and to get back on track with the plans that God and I have for me. I've decided to put my latest challenge on hold for a while. It doesn't mean that I'm going to stop posting or that I've going to completely throw my new routine out the window, just that I'm going to focus on other things right now instead of holding myself to living up to the challenge when I have other things I need to be focusing on right now..
Friday, June 8, 2012
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Adventures in Slumberland
For a week or so, my sleep cycle was all out of whack, which, in turn, caused me to be all out of whack. The past week though, fortunately, it's been back to "normal". The more I thought about it though, it really isn't normal by the typical definition, it's just normal for me.
While there are many hallmark signs/symptoms of AD/HD that are fairly widely known (though often VERY misunderstood), there are still a few that nobody really thinks about, unless you either have AD/HD or a close friend or loved one has it. One of those signs/symptoms is what can best be summed up as sleep disturbances.
I remember once, in a follow up visit with my psychiatrist, mentioning that "sleep is an adventure for me." His response was, "It usually is..." Of course he was meaning it usually is for those with AD/HD. One reason for this is the fact that most non-AD/HDers have an inner clock, known as a circadian clock, that helps their brain sense passage of time and is coordinated with the day-night cycle. (thank you Wikipedia). Typically this "clock" will reset itself as your environment changes. This is why it takes a couple days to adjust to the yearly time changes (assuming you live in an area that follows daylight savings time), your circadian clock is having to reset. Well, in many AD/HDers, that clock is busted. In my experience, it performs like a clock whose battery has run down enough that it no longer keeps the correct time, but the battery isn't fully dead yet so you still see something on the display. No matter how often you try to reset it, it just WILL NOT keep the correct time until you replace the battery.
Unfortunately, the fix for sleep disturbances isn't as simple as replacing the battery. Some AD/HD symptoms can be improved without medication (more on that in a later post). But, problems with the circadian clock is not one of them. Typically, the only way to get any noticeable correction in this area is medication, though there are a few things outside of medication that can help better the results the medication has.
Growing up my parents would give me time to "wind down" (especially after a ballgame or other event I was really excited about) before bed. Even after I went to bed my brain was still going 90 miles an hour as I lay in bed for an hour or more until sleep just kinda took over. Then, in the mornings, Momma would joke that I had to "rest from sleeping" as I laid in the bed trying (and mostly failing) to fully wake up, no matter how much or how little sleep I'd had the night before. I didn't know it at the time, especially since I didn't know I had AD/HD, but those are two of the common sleep problems for AD/HDers: Initiation Insomnia and Difficulty Waking.
As I grew up and moved out on my own (sort of) the initiation insomnia subsided a bit (though that difficulty waking just insists on sticking around) but the other two common sleep problems, Restless Sleep and Intrusive Sleep, started to kick in.
I can remember many conversations with my friends in college wondering why I was sleepy EVERY time they saw me. In my early 20s my drive to stay up and hang out was enough to get me through. However, as I got into my mid to late 20s and I lost that desire to hang out and started having to be at work early (for me) in the morning it got harder and harder for me to push through the fatigue. By the time I was 26 I was taking at least a few hours of leave each pay period (pay period is 2 weeks) trying to get some sleep. By 27, and up to my AD/HD diagnosis at 28 years 2 1/2 months of age, I was needing at least one full day off each week as my body had reached its exhaustion point. On those days, I'd sleep nearly the entire day away. So, one week I'd have my AWS day (regular day off for the pay period due to an alternate work schedule) and the next week I'd have to take a day off and use a full 8 or 9 hours of leave (depending on which day it was). Then, when you factor in a couple hours here an there for doctor appointments and other various things you get the idea that I was burning through my leave fairly quickly.
I had no idea why I was so tired all the time. I knew I was sleeping. I knew I was getting enough hours of sleep (after I stopped being stubborn about going to bed before 10). But still, every morning, I'd wake up just as tired, or even more tired, than I was when I went to bed. I had blood work done and my thyroid was fine and I wasn't diabetic. My iron was a bit low so my doctor had me start taking an OTC iron pill and things got better for a while. Then the exhaustion came back. I had more blood work done and this time my Vitamin D was 1 point away from being deficient. My doctor gave me a prescription for Vitamin D and started me on an OTC prenatal vitamin (though I wasn't and never have been pregnant) to try and pull all my vitamin/mineral levels up. I felt better but I still wasn't sleeping well enough.
As if I didn't have enough craziness going on, with the ordinary life adjustments for college students and then the situation outlined above, the intrusive sleep decided to stick its nose in my business too. I never really paid attention in class but, my mom worked in the lunch room at my K-12 school and I'm from a small town so everyone knew me and knew who my mom was so I learned to at least put on a show of paying attention so my teachers wouldn't talk to my mom. In college though, nobody knew Momma. I had a few professors who really knew how to keep the class engaged and I truly paid attention, but I also had a few who didn't or taught a class that held little to no intrigue for me. In those classes, if I didn't have a friend sitting close by to keep me distracted, I typically fell asleep. It didn't matter what I did to try and stay awake I'd be knocked out less than halfway through the class. Then, after I graduated and became a full time worker, I had tons of trouble staying awake during meetings. I'd say the worst time was when I was sitting directly behind the general and his deputy and my head kept bobbing. I never actually went to sleep but I was miserable and embarrassed at how hard it was for me to stay awake even though I'd been given a golden opportunity to sit in on a very important meeting and learn more about how the command works.
For me, the intrusive sleep is the one I have the most trouble wrapping my brain around (so I can only imagine how tough it may be for the non AD/HDers to understand). Intrusive sleep typically happens when AD/HDers are doing a task that doesn't feed their constant need for stimulation. It doesn't mean we don't care about what we're doing or realize how important it may be. It really doesn't even mean that we don't like what we're doing. Most everyone has a thing or two that they enjoy that doesn't require any real thought. It's just fun. For me it's surfing the web and watching my favorite crime dramas on TV. But, no matter how much I love those things, after a while my head starts to bob. At times I hate that it's like that. I'd love to be able to just "be" for a while every now and then but, it just isn't in the hand I was dealt so I continue to search for ways to work around it. Thankfully, my medication has made great strides in helping with the other three issues so at least I only have one still causing major problems.
If you have any of the problems mentioned above it's not a guarantee that you have AD/HD. You (and more importantly your doctor) have to take into account how often this happens for you and lots and lots of other factors as sleep problems can stem from many things but, if you have some of the hallmark AD/HD symptoms AND the problems sleeping, I highly recommend you seek help. Even if you don't have the hallmark symptoms of AD/HD but you have problems sleeping I highly recommend you seek help. Sleep is an essential function for the body to repair itself and stay healthy and constant sleep problems, no matter their cause, need to be addressed.
While there are many hallmark signs/symptoms of AD/HD that are fairly widely known (though often VERY misunderstood), there are still a few that nobody really thinks about, unless you either have AD/HD or a close friend or loved one has it. One of those signs/symptoms is what can best be summed up as sleep disturbances.
I remember once, in a follow up visit with my psychiatrist, mentioning that "sleep is an adventure for me." His response was, "It usually is..." Of course he was meaning it usually is for those with AD/HD. One reason for this is the fact that most non-AD/HDers have an inner clock, known as a circadian clock, that helps their brain sense passage of time and is coordinated with the day-night cycle. (thank you Wikipedia). Typically this "clock" will reset itself as your environment changes. This is why it takes a couple days to adjust to the yearly time changes (assuming you live in an area that follows daylight savings time), your circadian clock is having to reset. Well, in many AD/HDers, that clock is busted. In my experience, it performs like a clock whose battery has run down enough that it no longer keeps the correct time, but the battery isn't fully dead yet so you still see something on the display. No matter how often you try to reset it, it just WILL NOT keep the correct time until you replace the battery.
Unfortunately, the fix for sleep disturbances isn't as simple as replacing the battery. Some AD/HD symptoms can be improved without medication (more on that in a later post). But, problems with the circadian clock is not one of them. Typically, the only way to get any noticeable correction in this area is medication, though there are a few things outside of medication that can help better the results the medication has.
Growing up my parents would give me time to "wind down" (especially after a ballgame or other event I was really excited about) before bed. Even after I went to bed my brain was still going 90 miles an hour as I lay in bed for an hour or more until sleep just kinda took over. Then, in the mornings, Momma would joke that I had to "rest from sleeping" as I laid in the bed trying (and mostly failing) to fully wake up, no matter how much or how little sleep I'd had the night before. I didn't know it at the time, especially since I didn't know I had AD/HD, but those are two of the common sleep problems for AD/HDers: Initiation Insomnia and Difficulty Waking.
As I grew up and moved out on my own (sort of) the initiation insomnia subsided a bit (though that difficulty waking just insists on sticking around) but the other two common sleep problems, Restless Sleep and Intrusive Sleep, started to kick in.
I can remember many conversations with my friends in college wondering why I was sleepy EVERY time they saw me. In my early 20s my drive to stay up and hang out was enough to get me through. However, as I got into my mid to late 20s and I lost that desire to hang out and started having to be at work early (for me) in the morning it got harder and harder for me to push through the fatigue. By the time I was 26 I was taking at least a few hours of leave each pay period (pay period is 2 weeks) trying to get some sleep. By 27, and up to my AD/HD diagnosis at 28 years 2 1/2 months of age, I was needing at least one full day off each week as my body had reached its exhaustion point. On those days, I'd sleep nearly the entire day away. So, one week I'd have my AWS day (regular day off for the pay period due to an alternate work schedule) and the next week I'd have to take a day off and use a full 8 or 9 hours of leave (depending on which day it was). Then, when you factor in a couple hours here an there for doctor appointments and other various things you get the idea that I was burning through my leave fairly quickly.
I had no idea why I was so tired all the time. I knew I was sleeping. I knew I was getting enough hours of sleep (after I stopped being stubborn about going to bed before 10). But still, every morning, I'd wake up just as tired, or even more tired, than I was when I went to bed. I had blood work done and my thyroid was fine and I wasn't diabetic. My iron was a bit low so my doctor had me start taking an OTC iron pill and things got better for a while. Then the exhaustion came back. I had more blood work done and this time my Vitamin D was 1 point away from being deficient. My doctor gave me a prescription for Vitamin D and started me on an OTC prenatal vitamin (though I wasn't and never have been pregnant) to try and pull all my vitamin/mineral levels up. I felt better but I still wasn't sleeping well enough.
As if I didn't have enough craziness going on, with the ordinary life adjustments for college students and then the situation outlined above, the intrusive sleep decided to stick its nose in my business too. I never really paid attention in class but, my mom worked in the lunch room at my K-12 school and I'm from a small town so everyone knew me and knew who my mom was so I learned to at least put on a show of paying attention so my teachers wouldn't talk to my mom. In college though, nobody knew Momma. I had a few professors who really knew how to keep the class engaged and I truly paid attention, but I also had a few who didn't or taught a class that held little to no intrigue for me. In those classes, if I didn't have a friend sitting close by to keep me distracted, I typically fell asleep. It didn't matter what I did to try and stay awake I'd be knocked out less than halfway through the class. Then, after I graduated and became a full time worker, I had tons of trouble staying awake during meetings. I'd say the worst time was when I was sitting directly behind the general and his deputy and my head kept bobbing. I never actually went to sleep but I was miserable and embarrassed at how hard it was for me to stay awake even though I'd been given a golden opportunity to sit in on a very important meeting and learn more about how the command works.
For me, the intrusive sleep is the one I have the most trouble wrapping my brain around (so I can only imagine how tough it may be for the non AD/HDers to understand). Intrusive sleep typically happens when AD/HDers are doing a task that doesn't feed their constant need for stimulation. It doesn't mean we don't care about what we're doing or realize how important it may be. It really doesn't even mean that we don't like what we're doing. Most everyone has a thing or two that they enjoy that doesn't require any real thought. It's just fun. For me it's surfing the web and watching my favorite crime dramas on TV. But, no matter how much I love those things, after a while my head starts to bob. At times I hate that it's like that. I'd love to be able to just "be" for a while every now and then but, it just isn't in the hand I was dealt so I continue to search for ways to work around it. Thankfully, my medication has made great strides in helping with the other three issues so at least I only have one still causing major problems.
If you have any of the problems mentioned above it's not a guarantee that you have AD/HD. You (and more importantly your doctor) have to take into account how often this happens for you and lots and lots of other factors as sleep problems can stem from many things but, if you have some of the hallmark AD/HD symptoms AND the problems sleeping, I highly recommend you seek help. Even if you don't have the hallmark symptoms of AD/HD but you have problems sleeping I highly recommend you seek help. Sleep is an essential function for the body to repair itself and stay healthy and constant sleep problems, no matter their cause, need to be addressed.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Accentuate the Positive
OK, so, here are the positive thoughts and realizations I had about keeping a schedule/routine last week. The only order these are in is the order they came to me throughout the week.
1. I can start my day with less stress because I can flow through my routine and not have to be sure I remember every single thing every single morning.
2. Following a routine gets me out the door on time more often than not. This helps me be on time to work which makes me seem more like the productive employee I am.
3. Following a routine helps minimize the chance that something important (like paying bills or meeting a suspense at work) slips through the cracks, which helps improve management's view of my work performance and lessens my stress.
4. Ensures I take my medicine on schedule so it can work better and I feel better.
5. Keeping a routine helps me better manage my time and get more things done which gives me a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day instead of a sense of failure for missing deadlines and not seeing things through to the finish.
6. Getting in the habit of writing things downs as they are told to me, especially if I can't work on the at that exact moment, makes me more likely to remember to do them later instead of getting caught in the "what's hot now" mode and never getting back to them. Also, the simple act of writing it down helps it stick in my memory.
7. Writing down accomplishments for the day makes it easier to write my significant accomplishments at rating time. It also gives me a point of reference if a similar issue should arise or questions come up regarding what I did.
8. Keeping a routine and writing down the things I need to accomplish each day helps me to feel better when I get home from work. When I go through the day reacting instead of planning my ADHD mind is overwhelmed at the end of the day from trying to keep up with everything. Therefore, when I get home I am too tired to take on even a small task so everything gets put off until the weekend which, in turn, overwhelms me again and it never all gets done.
Unfortunately, even with all this positive thinking, last week does not count as my first week completed for the new task. I understand that life throws things at us sometimes that causes us to have to temporarily throw our routines out the window, BUT, I feel like I used things like a terribly unorganized training exercise at work as an excuse and was already off-kilter when I got the news that someone I was very close to passed away. I'm not down on myself for not meeting the goal. I realize life happens and then you move on. I just don't feel I can justify counting last week in the "W" column. I got it this week though. :-)
1. I can start my day with less stress because I can flow through my routine and not have to be sure I remember every single thing every single morning.
2. Following a routine gets me out the door on time more often than not. This helps me be on time to work which makes me seem more like the productive employee I am.
3. Following a routine helps minimize the chance that something important (like paying bills or meeting a suspense at work) slips through the cracks, which helps improve management's view of my work performance and lessens my stress.
4. Ensures I take my medicine on schedule so it can work better and I feel better.
5. Keeping a routine helps me better manage my time and get more things done which gives me a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day instead of a sense of failure for missing deadlines and not seeing things through to the finish.
6. Getting in the habit of writing things downs as they are told to me, especially if I can't work on the at that exact moment, makes me more likely to remember to do them later instead of getting caught in the "what's hot now" mode and never getting back to them. Also, the simple act of writing it down helps it stick in my memory.
7. Writing down accomplishments for the day makes it easier to write my significant accomplishments at rating time. It also gives me a point of reference if a similar issue should arise or questions come up regarding what I did.
8. Keeping a routine and writing down the things I need to accomplish each day helps me to feel better when I get home from work. When I go through the day reacting instead of planning my ADHD mind is overwhelmed at the end of the day from trying to keep up with everything. Therefore, when I get home I am too tired to take on even a small task so everything gets put off until the weekend which, in turn, overwhelms me again and it never all gets done.
Unfortunately, even with all this positive thinking, last week does not count as my first week completed for the new task. I understand that life throws things at us sometimes that causes us to have to temporarily throw our routines out the window, BUT, I feel like I used things like a terribly unorganized training exercise at work as an excuse and was already off-kilter when I got the news that someone I was very close to passed away. I'm not down on myself for not meeting the goal. I realize life happens and then you move on. I just don't feel I can justify counting last week in the "W" column. I got it this week though. :-)
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Do the Humpty-Hump
Happy Hump Day! The week is all downhill from here right? :)
Just wanted to give a quick update on how things are going. I've implemented the first part of my schedule/routine and I'm loving it. Phase I deals with the basic routine for the day, when to get up, when to leave for work, when to go to bed etc. I had to find a way to implement structure and routine without making it feel so rigid and inflexible that I wouldn't stick to it. I guess it's more like an outline for the day which gives me room to feel in whatever details I want/need.
For example, I get up at 5:00 on workdays but I don't actually get in the shower and start getting ready until about 6:00. During that hour I'm free to do whatever. Then, for my work day, I laid out a few basic things I need to do (like making a list of things to do for the day, putting in leave slips closer to the time I took the leave, keeping track of my accomplishments for the day, etc.) but I didn't specify a certain time they had to be completed. That way I still feel like I'm in charge of my day instead of some schedule controlling it, but there's just enough structure there to keep me focused and on target. Finally, after work until 9:00 is what I call free time. It doesn't mean that for those 4 hours I'm completely free of all responsibility, it simply means that those 4 hours are left to my heart's desire. I can use it to work on DIY/craft projects or I can work on something super important that has a deadline. That part of the day is MY time. Then at 9:00 I start going through the get ready for bed routine and actually get in the bed sometime between 9:00 and 10:00.
To be honest, my list of positive things for the cognitive re-conditioning I'm trying is getting long enough I might have to post this week's list on Friday and do a separate post next week for week 2 positives!
I also wanted to share a little bit of news. I plan on joining the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) this week (waiting until payday to pay the membership fee). NAMI was recommended to me by my ADD Coach and the counselor I was seeing before my diagnosis but, like so many things, I put it off and almost forgot about it. It got brought back to my attention by a random text message a few weeks ago. Apparently my cousin had sent out a mass text to invite friends to some kind of party (Mary Kay, Pampered Chef, etc) and when one of her friends responded it actually went to everyone instead of just Amie. She responded that she was already obligated to a NAMI event and couldn't make it. Now, I was super confused at first but after a while the NAMI part stuck in my head until I checked out the website. If you'd like to learn more about the organization you can visit their website. You can also find your local organization if you'd like to join. I'm excited that my membership will not only be a benefit to me, but also in my pursuit to help others.
Well, that's about it. Almost time to start getting ready for work. Take care everyone!!
Monday, May 14, 2012
Just Because
The constant need for mental stimulation that comes with AD/HD combined with my innate analytical personality that questions everything in the pursuit of a greater understanding makes it EXTREMELY difficult for me to do much of anything "just because." Growing up, my parents nurtured and encouraged my need to understand why I did things instead of just doing them as much as they could. I haven't specifically asked them about it, but I'm sure there was at least a two-fold reason for this. One reason being, Mr. Land, the DeKalb County Gifted Program teacher when I was in school, "counseled" my parents on what to expect and how best to give me what I needed while still maintaining that they were in charge. The second reason I gleaned from conversations we had while I was growing up. They didn't want me to do things just because "everyone else is doing it." They wanted me to think for myself and not get swept up into peer pressure. All that being said, I had to learn to walk a VERY fine line between a pursuit of understanding and being "insubordinate." I could typically tell when I was getting close to crossing that line though. That was usually when I was given the response, "Because I'm your Momma/Daddy and I said so." :)
As I grew-up and got more independent it got harder for me to find that line I wasn't suppose to cross. To this day, my parents can still make me toe that line relatively easily (though they do respect the fact that I am an adult) but I'm pretty certain "Because I said so" wouldn't go over so well coming from anybody else. My natural reaction, whether I managed to stifle it or actually said it, would be something like this... "Who are you?!" I know I'm not suppose to be like that. I know the problem isn't in the fact that I question the logic behind decisions but in the way I question that logic. I try so hard to find a way to be true to myself while still being the "good employee" I'm expected to be but I just haven't found a way that works. I've at least learned to take a deep breath, say "OK," and walk away. It keeps me from saying something I shouldn't and therefore makes my boss happier, but that response just doesn't fit who I am and leaves me feeling frustrated, besides I'm certain my facial expression gives away what I'm thinking anyway (thus why this response makes my boss happier and not happy). I really wish I could find a way to ask the questions and still portray that I do understand who the boss is, I just need there to be some logic to the things I do, but, when things seem illogical to me I get frustrated, and when I get frustrated it comes out in everything I do or say, even if I'm only frustrated with the process and not the person.
Work isn't the only place I struggle with the "just because" logic. When I was first diagnosed with AD/HD I was so gung-ho about finding ways to make things work. I set a million (eh, slight exaggeration) alarms on my phone to help me keep track of what time it is and when I'm suppose to do what and for a while I loved it! But, after a while, it's like, OK, I've proven I can do it, that's enough. Now, every time that alarm goes off (minus the ones to remind me to take my medication) it's like a mini-debate in my head. I'm like a child bargaining with his/her parents for "5 more minutes" (which my cell alarm happily gives when the snooze button is pressed) except I'm bargaining with myself. It's almost like I think, "Why do I have to jump up just because that alarm went off?" I'd go even further and say it also seems to cross my mind, "Why do I have to stop what I'm doing and write something down just because I know I need to remember what I was just told? I'll get to it in a minute."
I know that my way of looking at certain situations isn't the best. I'm trying hard to overcome my natural inclinations on some things but it's just not easy. Since I've had good results with cognitive therapy and challenges in the past I've got an idea. Every day for the next 2 work weeks I have to write down (or type) at least 1 good things about following a routine. At the end of the two weeks I will share all my realizations. Also, before I go to bed tonight, I will come up with some sort of schedule that I can live by so I can start my new challenge tomorrow. Like my last challenge this will apply to Mon-Fri as I will allow myself the weekend to be relatively schedule free (everyone needs a break). I will post to my blog at least 3 times a week and I will follow my schedule/routine (barring unforeseen, uncontrollable circumstances) at least 4 days a week. If I do this for 4 weeks in a row I will allow myself to buy the tablet I've been wanting but don't really need. This challenge will be on-going until I do it 4 weeks in a row. The goal isn't to make myself a blind follower (I HIGHLY doubt that would happen anyway) but it is to change the way I think about things so that maybe, just maybe, I can find that middle ground I've been searching for.
As I grew-up and got more independent it got harder for me to find that line I wasn't suppose to cross. To this day, my parents can still make me toe that line relatively easily (though they do respect the fact that I am an adult) but I'm pretty certain "Because I said so" wouldn't go over so well coming from anybody else. My natural reaction, whether I managed to stifle it or actually said it, would be something like this... "Who are you?!" I know I'm not suppose to be like that. I know the problem isn't in the fact that I question the logic behind decisions but in the way I question that logic. I try so hard to find a way to be true to myself while still being the "good employee" I'm expected to be but I just haven't found a way that works. I've at least learned to take a deep breath, say "OK," and walk away. It keeps me from saying something I shouldn't and therefore makes my boss happier, but that response just doesn't fit who I am and leaves me feeling frustrated, besides I'm certain my facial expression gives away what I'm thinking anyway (thus why this response makes my boss happier and not happy). I really wish I could find a way to ask the questions and still portray that I do understand who the boss is, I just need there to be some logic to the things I do, but, when things seem illogical to me I get frustrated, and when I get frustrated it comes out in everything I do or say, even if I'm only frustrated with the process and not the person.
Work isn't the only place I struggle with the "just because" logic. When I was first diagnosed with AD/HD I was so gung-ho about finding ways to make things work. I set a million (eh, slight exaggeration) alarms on my phone to help me keep track of what time it is and when I'm suppose to do what and for a while I loved it! But, after a while, it's like, OK, I've proven I can do it, that's enough. Now, every time that alarm goes off (minus the ones to remind me to take my medication) it's like a mini-debate in my head. I'm like a child bargaining with his/her parents for "5 more minutes" (which my cell alarm happily gives when the snooze button is pressed) except I'm bargaining with myself. It's almost like I think, "Why do I have to jump up just because that alarm went off?" I'd go even further and say it also seems to cross my mind, "Why do I have to stop what I'm doing and write something down just because I know I need to remember what I was just told? I'll get to it in a minute."
I know that my way of looking at certain situations isn't the best. I'm trying hard to overcome my natural inclinations on some things but it's just not easy. Since I've had good results with cognitive therapy and challenges in the past I've got an idea. Every day for the next 2 work weeks I have to write down (or type) at least 1 good things about following a routine. At the end of the two weeks I will share all my realizations. Also, before I go to bed tonight, I will come up with some sort of schedule that I can live by so I can start my new challenge tomorrow. Like my last challenge this will apply to Mon-Fri as I will allow myself the weekend to be relatively schedule free (everyone needs a break). I will post to my blog at least 3 times a week and I will follow my schedule/routine (barring unforeseen, uncontrollable circumstances) at least 4 days a week. If I do this for 4 weeks in a row I will allow myself to buy the tablet I've been wanting but don't really need. This challenge will be on-going until I do it 4 weeks in a row. The goal isn't to make myself a blind follower (I HIGHLY doubt that would happen anyway) but it is to change the way I think about things so that maybe, just maybe, I can find that middle ground I've been searching for.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Knowledge is Power
Saturday I was in Birmingham all day for a softball tournament. We played our first game around 1:00 and then had a break until 5:00 (or so we thought, the team we were suppose to play had to forfeit so our break was actually until 8:00) so, those of us who decided to stay at the park, sat together under a shade tree for a while. After a while one of my teammates, I'll call her Becky for the purposes of this post, decided she wanted to take a nap and asked me if I would "have her back," meaning, would I look out for her in case a foul ball came over the fence towards her. Now, obviously I'm not going to just sit there and let my teammate get hit, but I also know that I get distracted very easily and might not even know a ball was headed towards her/us in time to help her. So, instead of saying, "Yea, I got you," I said, "Assuming I see the ball coming, yea." In my mind I was trying to let her know that my intentions were good to keep her from getting hit but I might not be able to pay close enough attention to guarantee I could keep her from getting hit. Hind-site being 20/20, I probably should have just said "Yea, I got you," but, I didn't.
Obviously, my answer did not convey the message I was trying to get across because Becky took it as me saying I wouldn't watch out for her. When I get uncomfortable or frustrated I usually try to crack a joke in order to ease the situation. Of course, I stayed true to form, and joked that, "You don't ask the ADD kid to be your lookout." Boy did that spark and interesting conversation.
The details of the conversation aren't necessarily important but it should suffice to say, all I could think was, "Wow, this is exactly why I started my blog." I understand that many people don't educate themselves on topics until that have some reason to do so. Whether it be out of sheer curiosity or necessity. But, I that being said, I was very surprised at how little these women knew about AD/HD. The looks on their faces made it seem like I had mentioned some condition they'd never even heard of. I mean, these were educated women I was talking with. I was absolutely floored. I tried to explain a few things but I could tell, at least at that moment, they had already made up their minds on what they thought so I just dropped it. But, a little later on another teammate, we'll call her Suzy, climbed up the tree we were sitting under because she was bored. I joked with her that maybe she had ADD and her response was, "I told you black people don't have ADD." Now, I realize Suzy was joking around (kinda) but it got me to thinking. Are there any disparities in the number of people from the different races that have AD/HD? What are the statistics? So, that is where I'm coming from with my idea for this post.
As I suspected, I couldn't find any research that showed that African Americans were any less likely to have ADD. What I did find though, was several articles that suggested that many African Americans are under informed about ADD and therefore less likely to seek treatment. I read several articles that touched on the same idea but there was one that really caught my interest. It was about an African-American lady who was diagnosed with ADD at the age of 53. The article tells her struggles to accept her diagnosis and how much good her diagnosis and treatment did in her life. She now works to help spread knowledge about ADD in the African American community. If you would like to read her inspiring story you can find it here. http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/1020.html
Obviously, my answer did not convey the message I was trying to get across because Becky took it as me saying I wouldn't watch out for her. When I get uncomfortable or frustrated I usually try to crack a joke in order to ease the situation. Of course, I stayed true to form, and joked that, "You don't ask the ADD kid to be your lookout." Boy did that spark and interesting conversation.
The details of the conversation aren't necessarily important but it should suffice to say, all I could think was, "Wow, this is exactly why I started my blog." I understand that many people don't educate themselves on topics until that have some reason to do so. Whether it be out of sheer curiosity or necessity. But, I that being said, I was very surprised at how little these women knew about AD/HD. The looks on their faces made it seem like I had mentioned some condition they'd never even heard of. I mean, these were educated women I was talking with. I was absolutely floored. I tried to explain a few things but I could tell, at least at that moment, they had already made up their minds on what they thought so I just dropped it. But, a little later on another teammate, we'll call her Suzy, climbed up the tree we were sitting under because she was bored. I joked with her that maybe she had ADD and her response was, "I told you black people don't have ADD." Now, I realize Suzy was joking around (kinda) but it got me to thinking. Are there any disparities in the number of people from the different races that have AD/HD? What are the statistics? So, that is where I'm coming from with my idea for this post.
As I suspected, I couldn't find any research that showed that African Americans were any less likely to have ADD. What I did find though, was several articles that suggested that many African Americans are under informed about ADD and therefore less likely to seek treatment. I read several articles that touched on the same idea but there was one that really caught my interest. It was about an African-American lady who was diagnosed with ADD at the age of 53. The article tells her struggles to accept her diagnosis and how much good her diagnosis and treatment did in her life. She now works to help spread knowledge about ADD in the African American community. If you would like to read her inspiring story you can find it here. http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/1020.html
Friday, May 4, 2012
Day 5 of the Two-A-Day Challenge: The Finale!
Well before I knew I had AD/HD, I knew that music helped me focus. I just never understood why. Growing up it would take me HOURS to finish my homework if I didn't have music playing because I couldn't pay attention long enough to get it done. Now it looks like science knows what I stumbled across long ago! Here's a great article on how music therapy can help kids with AD/HD.
http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/9558.html It also talks about how music can be used to get them into a routine in the morning for getting ready (some that can be EXTREMELY difficult for ADDers). I've always been intrigued by and toyed with the idea of a soundtrack of my life. Maybe I should actually make one and see if it also works for adults so I will be more efficient when I'm getting ready in the morning!
Now for the second topic. AD/HD people have a completely different way of doing things because our brains are "wired different." Even when we work very hard to control and maintain our symptoms, we just don't work the same way as our non-AD/HD coworkers. Here's a article that offers suggestions for the types of work that are well suited for AD/HD folks. Also, to the side there's some great advice on finding a mentor to help hold you accountable for the work you need to get done and more links at the bottom with career tips for those with AD/HD. http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/8656.html
Now for my chores. First, I did a load of laundry before work this morning. Then, after work I went and got an oil change and ran all over town running errands. It's softball tournament time so I decided to take today and get all my stuff together that I need when we travel on the weekend to play ball. I know it might not sound like much but I'm exhausted after all that running around!
Well, that's it! I did it! For one whole work week I spread knowledge and understanding about AD/HD, depression, and anxiety. For that same week I also made myself a little more productive around the house and now I get to get myself two pairs of Yellowbox Sandals! I'm so excited. I've really enjoyed posting more this week and I think I may need to come up with a new challenge in order to keep me motivated until posting regularly becomes second nature. Take care everyone and have a great weekend!
Now for the second topic. AD/HD people have a completely different way of doing things because our brains are "wired different." Even when we work very hard to control and maintain our symptoms, we just don't work the same way as our non-AD/HD coworkers. Here's a article that offers suggestions for the types of work that are well suited for AD/HD folks. Also, to the side there's some great advice on finding a mentor to help hold you accountable for the work you need to get done and more links at the bottom with career tips for those with AD/HD. http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/8656.html
Now for my chores. First, I did a load of laundry before work this morning. Then, after work I went and got an oil change and ran all over town running errands. It's softball tournament time so I decided to take today and get all my stuff together that I need when we travel on the weekend to play ball. I know it might not sound like much but I'm exhausted after all that running around!
Well, that's it! I did it! For one whole work week I spread knowledge and understanding about AD/HD, depression, and anxiety. For that same week I also made myself a little more productive around the house and now I get to get myself two pairs of Yellowbox Sandals! I'm so excited. I've really enjoyed posting more this week and I think I may need to come up with a new challenge in order to keep me motivated until posting regularly becomes second nature. Take care everyone and have a great weekend!
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