Be Still

There has been a lot of unrest the last few weeks and it has stirred some things inside of me that I need to get out.

The cases central to all this unrest are Michael Brown in Ferguson and Eric Garner in NYC. Both of these situations had very drastic and devastating ends and my heart goes out to the families of these two men. My heart also goes out to the police officers and their families.

Without being there ourselves we can never know what actually happened. We must rely on "eye witness" accounts which are notoriously unreliable, just look at all the differences in each of the accounts that have been made public out of Ferguson. The human mind is a very powerful thing and, in trying to protect us, it can sometimes confuse us to the point that we really aren't certain what we saw anymore.

I can't speak to the motives of why the officers' encounters with these two men started. I haven't followed either case close enough to form an educated guess nor do I feel it is necessary for me to do so at this time. I have witnessed and therefore know that people of color (because it doesn't just apply to African Americans) are sometimes unduly persecuted by law enforcement. I have also witnessed and therefore know that people of color (and white people too) are persecuted by law enforcement for things they have actually done and sometimes react as if they are being unduly persecuted even though they are clearly in the wrong.

In my personal opinion, excessive force was tragically used in both cases. However, I do not believe, from what I have read, that the situations were purely racially motivated. Race may or may not have played a part in the events that unfolded. Maybe I'm naive to believe that the officers' intentions were good and somewhere along the way things got carried away and went too far, but that's what I believe.

One of the greatest leaders of the civil rights movement, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, stood for nonviolence and he and his followers were able to move mountains. I'm not blind to the injustices and inequalities that still exist based on race, but I believe it is the duty of those of us who still believe in and strive for Dr. King's dream that we are mindful of how we work towards that dream to ensure that we are not inadvertently the cause of driving the wedge deeper.

I chose the title for this post from two different verses from the Bible: Psalms 46:10 and Mark 4:39. I invite you to go over to the Guided Christian Meditation site through the link below and truly reflect on how this applies to the current situation. Are you trying to have your voice heard or God's? Are you truly looking to spread His Word or are you looking for vengeance which the Bible clearly shows us belongs to the Lord? I urge you to seriously search your heart for these answers and if you feel Him leading you to protest or speak out in any way, please make sure you are moving forward in a manner that will bring glory to God and not shame.

http://guidedchristianmeditation.com/181/meditation/be-still-and-know-that-i-am-god-the-meaning-of-be-still-will-surprise-you/

Some Wolves Have Really Good Sheep Costumes

Have you ever heard the phrase "wolf in sheep's clothing?" That's kind of how I think of the stereotypical abuser except with a slight twist. I think they are sheep with a wolf's heart.

One of the things I struggled with the most shortly after I broke free was "How could I not see that he was like that?" People with ADHD often struggle to pick up on social cues and I was afraid I was SO bad at it that I'd never be able to tell the "bad guys" apart from the "good guys." I was afraid that the only way I could avoid being hurt over and over again was to be alone for the rest of my life. I talked this fear over with my counselor at the time and she taught me something very important. The typical profile of an abuser is someone who is very well thought of by the vast majority. Many are very charismatic. You may never know how they really are before you get in a relationship with them. Underneath they are very insecure and they compensate for that by controlling those that mean the most to them.

That explained SO much for me. I had made bad decisions on who to date in the past so I tried to be much more careful that time. I talked to him in an attempt to get to know him. I watched how he interacted with others. I took notice of how others spoke of him and he seemed to be a genuine, caring, good guy who was just a little rough around the edges so I decided to go for it.

At first things were wonderful. We enjoyed spending time together, he was a gentleman, and he was there for me when I needed him. But over time, things changed. It started with little things. Things that I really didn't like but weren't necessarily deal breakers yet. I knew I couldn't change him and didn't bother trying, but I thought we could work to reach a compromise so I stayed in it.

Things continued to get worse and worse. I felt guilty because the truth was I still had feelings for someone else. He knew it up front. I didn't hide it. I thought I was ready to move on but in reality I had gotten my feelings hurt and I had an "I'll show you" attitude. The thing I tried to ignore was that I was attracted to him because the side that he showed the world reminded me of the one I was trying to forget.

He wasted no time in telling me how much he loved me and that it'd break his heart if I left him. I wasn't as emotionally invested as he seemed to be, but I just couldn't stand the thought of breaking his heart because I couldn't make up my mind. So I prayed and told God I was leaving the relationship in His hands. That I would be OK whether it was meant to be or not but if it wasn't meant to be, please let it end in a way that won't break his heart.

Looking back, God gave me several chances to get out but the sheep with the wolf's heart had already gotten in my head and I couldn't see it. I actually "broke up" with him once. I was surprised that he didn't argue or yell he just started gathering his things. But, before he left he walked up to me with the sweet way he had in the moments he wasn't being mean and asked me if this was what I really wanted. And I caved. I told him no, that I just needed to know that I could do it. And that was the beginning of the end. He knew he had me and the cruelty that ensued from that moment on was unbelievable.

Now, even though you may not be able to see the wolf's heart before the relationship begins, there are warning signs to look for before and during the relationship. Things that I saw but turned a blind eye to them. God gave us those little intuitions for a reason. They're there to help keep us safe. But please know, no matter how many warning signs you ignored like I did, the abuse will NEVER be your fault. No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship. We all get blinded to what's in front of us at times. It's part of what makes us human and you do not deserve to be treated with cruelty just because you made a human mistake.

#NoMore Silence

It's been a rough year for me. I've been through things I wouldn't wish on anybody. Things definitely could have been much worse, but they still weren't good. I've been controlled, made to feel I was worthless, and feared for my safety, all from someone who was supposed to love me. I had my world view shattered and my sense of self rocked to the point that I lost sight of who I am. Despite intermittent self esteem issues I've always had a good sense of who I am at my core. So, when I found myself at 30 years old not knowing who I was for the first time in my life, I didn't know how to handle it.

Thankfully, the worst part is behind me. I got out of that horrible relationship just before things got physical. But I still have a road to recovery ahead of me. Some days I'm fine. I feel like my old self again for the most part. But then there are days like I've had the past month where I seem to go backward instead of forward. Days where the feelings of worthlessness come back and it becomes all I can do to survive life....and I can forget about truly LIVING life on those days.

You see, I've learned first hand just how fragile the human psyche really is. I worry that I'll be spreading myself too thin trying to heal myself and spread awareness about mental health. I'm afraid I may look like I'm just jumping on the bandwagon if I try to talk about domestic violence as well but I'm realizing that, for me, I can no longer separate the two causes because one so greatly affects the other.

In so many ways I wish I could completely erase his existence from my memory, but I know it doesn't happen like that. Instead I have to focus on no longer hiding my feelings, no longer being ashamed of what I went through, and learning how to cope with the trauma in my past so it doesn't take away my future.

I've found that things get worse for me when I try to bottle it all up and push it down like it doesn't exist. That's incredibly unhealthy and it makes me withdraw from my family and friends who love me. The ones that are always there for me. The ones who know what I'm capable of and want nothing but the best for me. MY SUPPORT SYSTEM.  I know it won't be easy and I'm not saying I'll be super consistent at first, but I've got to find a way to dig myself out of this funk and I'm realizing how much better I feel just by making this post. So maybe it's time to kick old habits to the curb and instead of running from my feelings, meeting them head on. Maybe my story will help someone else out there, or maybe blogging will only help me. Either way, it's worth the discomfort that comes with attacking my pain in order to make someone's life a little better.

Furlough Funk

I don't normally talk about many work related events in an online format, but today I'm going to make a bit of an exception.

When I entered civil service I raised my right hand and took the civil servant's oath.

 I, __________, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter.  So help me God.

Even though I had to look this up online and can't recite it from memory, I take this oath very seriously. That's why I don't openly talk about my job much.  I do my part to "defend the Constitution..against all enemies" by not making myself a target to those who may be looking for an "inside man" or to anyone trolling the internet looking for tidbits of information that may seem innocuous at the time but can be combined with other tidbits to make a "big picture" that does not need to fall into enemy hands.  I don't say any of this to throw stones at anyone, this is my personal conviction as part of the way I "faithfully discharge the duties of the office" I entered.  Although, as I said in the beginning, I am making a bit of an exception to talk about work related issues in this post, I am still holding true to this conviction as I will not be discussing any specifics of what I do or even where I do them.  I know I may seem a bit over the top, nutty, or ridiculous to some, but I DO NOT take it lightly when I say "So help me God."  That phrase might not mean much to others, but it is everything to me.

I've been in a bit of a funk lately and, since it seemed to start about the same time as the government furlough that's now in place, I have not-so-lovingly named it the Furlough Funk.  I know talk of the furlough has been all over the news and many of the people who read my posts may be civil servants themselves or related to someone who is, but for those who may not know what I'm talking about I will explain.  I know Wikipedia isn't always a reliable source since users are allowed to make entries and may or may not have verifiable information, but I'm not writing a scholarly or official paper here so it will suit my purpose just fine in this instance.  I will summarize, but you can view the entire Wikipedia article by clicking here.  Since Congress was unable to reach an agreement on legislation to decrease the nation deficit, budget sequestration took effect March 1, 2013.  Sequestration is automatic, across the board (with a few exceptions) cuts in the budgets of different government entities.  While civil servants pay was not directly affected by sequestration, the SUBSTANTIAL budget cuts caused some agencies to enact a furlough, or involuntary, unpaid time off for many of their employees.  Unfortunately, I am one of the many civil servants affected by a government agency's furlough. Essentially this means we have just has much work to get done, but less time to do it, and we're getting paid 20% less for our efforts.

I've had some form of anxiety for about as long as I can remember.  So, I've learned to try and focus on the positive in a situation to keep my anxiety in check.  I know it's normal for people to be anxious from time to time, but I seem to go a bit overboard if I don't find a way to get my anxiety in check before it becomes a problem so that's how I learned to make myself focus on the positive, whatever it may be.  However, a good friend and mentor of sorts recently pointed out to me that that really isn't as healthy as I first thought.  While it's good to search for the positive, ignoring the negative all together causes it to fester until it "explodes" in some other part of our life (which has happened for me recently).  So, she recommended acknowledging the negative feelings, but not dwelling on them.  She also reminded me that there are things that we don't like (i.e. have negative feelings about) but there is nothing we can do or want to do to fix it, but we still need to acknowledge how we feel and move on. So, this post is my attempt to do that.

• I'm angry that I'm losing 20% of my pay for 3 months (as things stand right now).  I am very thankful to have a good job, I'm glad I still have a job instead of being unemployed, and, to be perfectly honest, I am enjoying the 3 day weekends, but I feel cheated.  I've been trying so hard to clear up some past mistakes and, just as I'm on the verge of turning it around, a large chunk of my income is taken away (due to no fault of my own).  While I know cutting out bills that aren't necessities was something I had to do, it's the responsible thing to do, I hate that one of the things I had to cut was my personal training contract at the gym.  It isn't really cut, it's frozen until after the furlough so I'm not losing any time but I was really beginning to get really into working out and being in the gym, and while I know I can still use the gym without a trainer, it's not the same.  I wasn't ready to do this on my own.
• I hate that the people who try to live a good life and do what's right are the people that continue to get pooped on by the world.  I realize that God never said being a Christian would be easy.  Sometimes I want to give people a dose of their own medicine but I know if I let myself get down on their level, not only would I be going against my Christian faith, but I would be miserable afterwards.  The human part of me wants revenge, wants to see those who have wronged me get what "they deserve" in my eyes, but I know that God is in control and "vengeance is Mine..." saith the Lord.  I know I'm only human, but I hate that I have to struggle so hard with the part of me that wants revenge and the part that knows I need to just turn it over to God.
• I'm scared.  I recently read in my ADDitude magazine "ADHDers experience the most dramatic symptom improvement in the first six months to a year of treatment.  After that, they don't make as much progress."  I've been in treatment for almost 2 years and I'm nowhere near where I want to be and I'm scared that I never will be.  I'm afraid I'll never get control of my ADHD symptoms, especially the ones that nobody really seems to realize are due to ADHD.  I'm afraid I'll have problems in relationships for the rest of my life because, no matter how much I care about the person I'm in a relationship with, I can't seem to overcome the ADHD traits that cause the most problems.
• I'm hurt that when I found the person that was such a huge blessing to me, they were too focused on their own problems to let me be the blessing to them they knew I could be.  I'm even more hurt that a door suddenly slammed shut where I thought only a walkway existed.  I'm frustrated that even though I realize that door is closed, there's a part of my heart that can't completely let them go, but most of all, I'm irritated that, when I new door opened with everything I could ever ask for, that piece of me that can't let go of the person behind that closed door causes so much pain for the man who is trying to be my everything now.

Anyway, I think that's enough for now.  It feels good to get this off my chest.  Now maybe I can move forward with the positive and make some changes for the better.  I ask all of you to keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

I Couldn't Say it Better Myself....So I let him say it!

OK, in my effort to finish this post a little quicker so I won't be running behind this morning, I think I'll share some questions/answers/facts/quotes from Dr. Hallowell's site (I TOTALLY recommend you check his site out).

Common Symptoms of ADD

• Easily Distractable
• Low Tolerance for Frustration
• Low Tolerance for Boredom
• Impulsiveness
• Forgetfulness
• Restlessness

What is ADHD?

ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) is a neurological condition that is usually genetically transmitted. It is characterized by distractibility, impulsivity and restlessness or hyperactivity. These symptoms are present from childhood on, and with a much greater intensity than in the everyday person, so that they interfere with everyday functioning.

In my opinion, ADHD is a terrible term. As I see it, ADHD is neither a disorder, nor is there a deficit of attention. I see ADHD as a trait, not a disability. When it is managed properly, it can become a huge asset in one’s life. I have both ADHD and dyslexia myself and I wrote a book with Catherine Corman profiling a collections of fabulously successful adults all of whom have ADHD, so I know whereof I speak.

As I like to describe it, having ADHD is like having a powerful race car for a brain, but with bicycle brakes. Treating ADHD is like strengthening your brakes–so you start to win races in your life.

In my work as a psychiatrist who treats ADHD, I see myself not as a doctor who treats a disability, but rather as a doctor who helps people, adults and children alike, identify, develop, and celebrate their talents. That’s why I love my work!

And one more for the road.....the criteria for adult ADD(please note, these are developed from Dr. Hallowell and his partner's clinical research and observation and not directly from The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM, currently in its 4th edition) which provides a common language and standard criteria for the classification of mental disorders.

1. A sense of underachievement, of not meeting one’s goals (regardless of how much one has actually accomplished).
2. Difficulty getting organized.
3. Chronic procrastination or trouble getting started.
4. Many projects going simultaneously; trouble with follow through.
5. A tendency to say what comes to mind without necessarily considering the timing or appropriateness of the remark.
6. A frequent search for high stimulation.
7. An intolerance of boredom.
8. Easy distractibility; trouble focusing attention, tendency to tune out or drift away in the middle of a page or conversation, often coupled with an inability to focus at times.
9. Often creative, intuitive, highly intelligent
10. Trouble in going through established channels and following “proper” procedure.
11. Impatient; low tolerance of frustration.
12. Impulsive, either verbally or in action, as an impulsive spending of money.
13. Changing plans, enacting new schemes or career plans and the like; hot-tempered.
14. A tendency to worry needlessly, endlessly; a tendency to scan the horizon looking for something to worry about, alternating with attention to or disregard for actual dangers.
15. A sense of insecurity.
16. Mood swings, mood lability, especially when disengaged from a person or a project.
17. Physical or cognitive restlessness.
18. A tendency toward addictive behavior.
19. Chronic problems with self-esteem.
20. Inaccurate self-observation.
21. Family history of AD/HD or manic depressive illness or depression or substance abuse or other disorders of impulse control or mood.

I love STEREOS...but not that type

As I finished my post yesterday I realized that some of the very things that I talked about being stereotypes for ADHDers came out in the fact sheet that I posted.  I wanted to explain this yesterday, but the post was already long enough and I was already running late for work because I lost track of time.

Just because something is a "fact" does not mean it applies to every person the same way.  Yes, in children especially, struggling in school is one of the signs/symptoms to look for, but, the problem I have, is when people see that child struggling in school and ASSUME (and you know what that gets you) that they are just "not bright," or even worse they call them stupid or other names that are so hurtful I'm not even going to take the time to think of them right now.  The worst part is, a lot of the time, ADHDers struggle with self-esteem issues.  No matter how much we may have actually accomplished in life, we have a tendency to see ourselves as failures, because, whether we've been diagnosed or not (trust me, it's worse if you're not) we have a sense that something just isn't quite right, that somehow, something is missing that's keeping us from living up to our full potential.  Unfortunately, instead of thinking, "Hey, maybe I can get help for this," we tend to lean towards, "Well, here we go again.  That's one more thing I screwed up.  Just goes to show that I'll probably never amount to anything."  And when you have thoughts like that running through your head, it's no wonder so many ADHDers have co-existing depression and anxiety.  We get caught up in our failures and began to feel hopeless which leads to depression.  But, we also hold out just enough hope that maybe, just maybe, this will be the time that we get it right and putting that much stress on ourselves can often lead to anxiety.

Now, before I go I want to share an example of stereotypes in adults with ADHD.  For this one, it's going to get a bit personal for me, but if sharing my life and struggles can help someone else, I'm willing to do it.  A little over a year ago, I moved from a job that emphasized my strengths to one that shows a lot more of my weaknesses.  Because I knew I was struggling and I wanted it to be clear that I wasn't just being lazy and unproductive, I was open in talking about my depression, anxiety, and ADHD in hopes of reaching an understanding that would work for everyone.  Instead, I feel like those things (unintentionally) have been used against me.  I've been passed up for projects because they "knew I was dealing with a lot right now and didn't want to put too much on me."  When I was missing work because I wasn't sleeping (which is a common problem for ADHDers) I had a well-meaning coworker assume it was my depression and offer to "motivate me though it."  Most of the people in my office stay at their desk pretty much all day (minus meetings and a few minute break now and then), I personally cannot work that way.  There is only so long I can keep myself focused and truly be productive.  At some point (it varies depending on the day and task, but typically about an hour), if I continue to try and force myself to focus and keep working I make more mistakes than progress so I've learned to just get up and walk away for a minute.  Now, I will admit that I need to be better at keeping track of how long I've been away from my desk, but sometimes the tone when I hear "I was going to....but you weren't at your desk," speaks volumes to what they're not actually saying.  Most days I feel so misunderstood that I don't even want to be there, which is very odd for me because I've always loved my job.  But, I am determined to find a way to make it better.

So, to all of those out there who've judged someone with ADHD out of ignorance, walk a mile in our shoes before you think you know what's going on with us.  And, to all my fellow ADHDers out there, please know that you are not alone.  Find someone to talk to, I promise it helps to talk to someone who understands from time to time instead of constantly talking to people who just don't get it.  But, instead of taking a victim mentality (which is very easy to do I admit) work to find a way to make things better.  Regardless of whether you have ADHD or not, you should never stop learning.  There are ways to work with your ADHD instead of against it.  If anyone out there feels they don't have anyone to talk to in their regular lives and would like to talk with me, leave me a comment with your email address (preferable for now).  None of my comments on here are posted until I approve them, so I can get your personal information without it being posted for the entire world to see.

The Many Faces of ADHD

So, this year's theme is "The Many Faces of ADHD," which I believe is a FANTASTIC theme.  I remember when I was first diagnosed I had SEVERAL people tell me they never would have guessed that I have ADHD.  I'm sure that's because I don't fit the "stereotype" of a person with ADHD.  As I mentioned in my last post, I didn't struggle through school has society tends to assume those of us with ADHD do.  The only "classic" hyperactivity I had I either grew out of as a child (when we are expected to be a bit more hyper) or your typical "fidgety-ness" that doesn't tend to get associated with ADHD.  I walk away from my desk several times a day to clear my head and regain focus, but everybody needs a break from time to time.  And, the form that my hyperactivity comes out in, talking, could just be chalked up to being a "Chatty Cathy."  Also, when I've tried to explain some of my symptoms to people they'd say, "Oh, I do that all the time," almost like they thought I was making an excuse.

A lot of research has been done into childhood AD/HD.  For YEARS it was assumed that AD/HD was something that only children could have and you just "grew out of it."  It wasn't until around 1994 when Dr. Edward Hallowell (psychiatrist and has ADHD) and Dr. John Ratey published their best-selling (and truly remarkable, in my opinion) book Driven to Distraction that people really began to believe that adults could have AD/HD, even though "clinical and scientific papers acknowledging the existence of an adult version of this disorder date back at least 40 years..."  The one thing you should know though (as my doctors have told me and I have read in numerous places, while it is possible to have AD/HD has a child and NOT have it as an adult, it is NOT possible to have it as an adult and not have had it as a child, you simply weren't diagnosed.

Well, it's about time for me to get ready for work, but before I do I want to leave you with a few FACTS about ADHD from a flyer that was used last year.

1.  ADHD is Real.  Although many people still want to doubt it, "Nearly every mainstream medical, psychological, and educational organization in the United States long ago concluded that Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is a real, brain-based medical disorder."

2.  ADHD is a Common and Non-Discriminatory Disorder.  "ADHD is a non-discriminatory disorder affecting people of every age, gender, IQ, and religious and socioeconomic background."  As of 2011, approximately 9.5% of children have been diagnosed at some time and 4.4% of adults "ages 18-44 in the United States, experience symptoms and some disability."

3.  Diagnosing ADHD is a Complex Process.  "In order for a diagnosis of ADHD to be considered, the person must exhibit a large number of symptoms, demonstrate significant problems with daily life in several major life areas (work, school, or friends), and have had the symptoms for a minimum of six months."  There is no one test to "prove" an ADHD diagnosis, many of the symptoms look like extreme forms of normal behavior, and many other conditions resemble ADHD.

4.  Other Mental Health Conditions Frequently Co-Occur with ADHD.
      "• Up to 30% of children and 25-40% of adults with ADHD have a co-existing anxiety disorder.
       • Experts claim that up to 70% of those with ADHD willcbe treated for depression at some point in their      
         lives.
       • Sleep disorders affect people with ADHD two to three times as often as those without it.

5.  ADHD is not benign.  "Particularly when it is undiagnosed and untreated, ADHD contributes to:
         • Problems succeeding in school and successfully graduating.
         • Problems at work, lost productivity, and reduced earning power.
         • Problems with relationships.
         • More driving citations and accidents.
         • Problems with overeating and obesity.
         • Problems with the law."

6.  ADHD is Nobody's Fault.  "ADHD is NOT caused by moral failure, poor parenting, family problems, poor teachers or schools, too much TV, food allergies, or excess sugar. Instead, research shows that ADHD is both highly genetic (with the majority of ADHD cases having a genetic component), and a brain-based disorder (with the symptoms of ADHD linked to many specific brain areas)."

7.  ADHD Treatment is Multi-Faceted.  "Currently, available treatments focus on reducing the symptoms of ADHD and improving functioning. Treatments include medication, various types of psychotherapy, behavioral interventions, education or training, and educational support. Usually a person with ADHD receives a combination of treatments.

OK, I know this has gotten long and I'll try to keep them shorter the rest of the week.  Lots of love to all you guys who are reading!!!  Have a great day!

Get Ready...Cause Here I Come!

A friend of mine posted this really awesome picture on Facebook a while back and I just have to share it here.  I take no credit for the creation of this image, I am simply sharing someone else's amazing work.

Lately, I've had this image and the Casting Crowns song "Praise You in this Storm" going through my head.  If you don't know the song you should check it out here.

I've never really gotten into Contemporary Christian music, not because I have anything against it, just because it typically just doesn't speak to me.  But this song is BY FAR my favorite and I think of it quite often when life seems to be getting the better of me.  The first time I ever heard the song I was actually going through one of those storms and I was listening to 88.1 WAAY FM (Christian radio station here) when this song came on.  It touched me so deeply that I was actually in tears as I was driving down the road.  I realized that I had been going about my situation all wrong.  God doesn't give us hard times just because He thinks it's fun to watch us struggle.  Sometimes He tests us, sometimes He's preparing us for something that we don't even know is in the works, and, unfortunately, sometimes He does have to punish us as well.  But, the Bible promises us that God will never put more on us than we can bare, and therefore, instead of feeling sorry for ourselves and trying to do everything on our own, we should just keep praising God through the storm because He WILL bring us through it and we will come out better for it in the end.

Unfortunately, these have been in my head lately, because I've been going through one of those storms.  God has been dealing with me for a little over a year now to become an advocate/community educator of sorts for mental health awareness.  It was always in the back of my mind but I always had some excuse on why I couldn't start it right now.  Eventually, I had to lose two things very dear to my heart (at least temporarily) for God to get my attention and remind me that He means it when He gives us something to do.

Now, obviously I did NOT deal with that well at first, OK  I'll be honest, that happened in July and I'm just now starting to get a grip on things.  I cried uncontrollably for the first few days, and then I think I went into a bit of denial because I miraculously felt better for a little while, almost as if nothing had happened.  But, before long, as happens with feelings you haven't truly dealt with, they started to rear their ugly head.  They were minor at first (well, minor to what would come next) and then the next thing I knew things had spiraled out of my control.  I know longer cared if I lived or died (although I never considered taking my own life).  Even though I know it's far from true, I had convinced myself that no one would miss me if I was gone and at times almost thought the world would be better off if I just went away.  Then came the panic attacks.  Every morning as I got ready for work my heart would start racing and a strong fear that I could never figure out where it came from would rush over me.  Most mornings I could calm myself down enough to get out the door and talk to my mom on the way to work and make it through the day but I came home exhausted every day from pretending everything was OK.  And don't get me started on weekends.  I had many weekends the only time I stepped foot outside my house was to get the mail.  Pretty much, if I didn't have to get out to pay a bill or be sure my dogs were taken care of, I found a reason to stay home.

This went on for a month or two without me telling anyone what was happening.  I mean, people who knew me well could tell something was wrong, but I wouldn't tell them everything because I was too ashamed.  That is until one day I realized I was on the verge of absolutely loosing it and got so scared I finally called my counselor and made an appointment for that morning.  We talked for a while and I felt better and then I went to my Psychiatrist and he changed my anxiety medicine and things got a lot better.  But, my heart was still shattered in a million pieces.  Finally, one night a few weeks ago after running out of gas for the 2nd time in a week, (I really don't want to hear about it. I realize it was not so smart, but give me a break, during that time I was doing good if I knew what day it was and had an idea of where I was suppose to be and what I was suppose to be doing) I called my Pastor while I waited on AAA to get there.  We talked about a lot of things but the main thing I remember saying through my tears is, "I'm so tired of hurting."  Even though I wasn't saying it directly to Him, God heard my plea and within the next couple days He gave me exactly what I had been needing to feel at peace again and be clear headed enough to hear what He was trying to tell me.

That's why this week is so important to me.  I mean, if I'd been doing what I was suppose to be doing all along I would have been participating in this week anyway, but I feel like I've let so many people down and I worry about the people that I might have helped already if I hadn't been so caught up in my own wants and desires instead of doing God's Will.  But, look out nay-sayers, unbelievers, and anyone else who helps perpetuate the stereotypes of those with mental illness(es) because I'm back with avengence!

A New Love...

For someone who's always struggled with planning and organizing, I've always had a strange love for making lists.  Unfortunately, those lists haven't been nearly as helpful as I'd hoped, until now.

I was talking with my best friend last week about AD/HD.  I was getting frustrated because it seemed like now matter how hard I tried, or what steps I took to try and organize my racing brain, it just didn't get any better. As we talked, I realized that I was already, to some degree, doing a lot of the tricks she's uses to overcome her AD/HD.  It felt great to realize that I was on the right track, I just had to keep working and tweak a thing or two here and there and things would really start coming together.

Also, as my Mom pointed out to me Sunday night, I had to realize that I am not in control, God is (she knows me oh so well).  I have a tendency to think that I can control all the outcomes in my life if I just work hard enough.  All that typically gets me is stuck in a rut and completely frustrated.  But, when I FINALLY come around and say, "OK, God, I get it.  I can't do this on my own," and let go and follow His leadership, things start to turn around.

That being said, I've turned my battle to overcome my AD/HD over to God (it was always His anyway) and things are starting to look up.  I've even found something that I like more than making lists....marking things off the list!  There's something empowering about marking that line through an item on your list.  It's kind of like the stickers teachers use to put on our homework in elementary school or the little "Good job" note they would write.  Those little things always made me smile and so does marking an item off my list.  When I draw that line I hear "Good job Jen" in my head and I smile.  Even if it was a very small task, I feel like I accomplished something for the day and that gives me motivation to keep going.

So, to all my fellow AD/HDers out there, don't give up.  I know we tend to be impatient and impulsive but it WILL get better with time.  I also STRONGLY recommend turning your struggle over to God and letting Him fight your battle for you.  You will be amazed at the things that can happen when you "Let go and let God!"

I'm Cleaning Out My Closet...

OK, fair warning to my Christian readers or even my non-Christian readers who know that I am a Christian, my next statement may be a bit surprising, but hear me out.  I whole-heartedly believe in evolution/survival of the fittest.  There I said it.  I do not want nor intend to entertain any debates on the subject.  I have no problem discussing any of my beliefs/convictions as long as we can maintain a civil, non-judgmental tone (that goes for myself as well) but I have a personal rule not to argue religion or any of its aspects as it solves nothing and only creates more problems.

Now, let me get to the part of this that will seem a lot more like me to people who know me.  I am a Creationist.  I do believe that the Bible is the infallible word of God.  And, finally, I DO NOT believe that humans descended from apes as Darwin's Theory of Evolution might suggest.  I do, however, believe in the basic concept of evolution (see Merriam-Webster's definition here).  For the purpose of this post, I will stick to how my view of evolution applies to humans.

People can and do evolve.  We typically refer to this as change.  If it wasn't possible for people to evolve, there would be no stories of people turning their lives around to live a more positive lifestyle.  Unfortunately, it's possible for humans to devolve as well (but that's another thought for another time).

The past few years I've been trying to make some changes in my own life.  For a lot of that time those changes were more like some great idea I had and longed for, but didn't really focus on achieving.  But for the past 9-10 months (and especially the last 3), those changes have been coming into focus.  A couple weeks ago I had something happen that, for a week or so, had me very distraught.  I wouldn't eat.  I just wanted to stay in bed all day.  And, no matter how much I slept, I didn't rest.  I cried myself to sleep a couple nights and at one point I was so upset I was hugging the toilet with dry heaves and then back in bed with a migraine that made me think I should be sleeping in the bathroom because I was going to lose the lunch I hadn't ate.

After a few days of that I got scared and I said, "Jennifer, you've got to find a way to get past this or you're going to end up in the hospital and you don't have time for that."  Thank you Lord for hearing the desires of my heart even when I don't specifically speak them.  After that it was like someone flipped the switch and the light came on.  Despite how I felt at the time, things really weren't that different than they had been.  Most importantly though, I realized that God hadn't told me "NO", He simply said, "Not right now."  There are still pieces of the situation that would really bother me if I allowed myself to dwell on them, but I'm choosing to focus on the positive.  And that my friends, is proof that humans can evolve.  I've always been a consummate worrier but it feels good to finally truly let go and trust that God will work everything out.

For the first time in a very long time, I'm actually able to focus on what I want and not what everyone else wants from me.  I realize it's nobody's fault but my own that my wants/needs/desires have gone unfulfilled for so long, but it's nice to finally be in a place to put my time and effort into them.  I'm still in the beginning phase where I'm having to figure out what exactly it is that I want and how to get started working on those things once I know what they are.  I've been getting rid of things in my life that I THOUGHT were what I wanted, but I've realized they were really just a facade for what I was really searching for.  I've been taking baby steps to get started on things that have been in the back of my mind for a while now; and I'm taking a long hard look at the people I've surrounded myself with in the present to see if they need to still be around in my future.  I realize none of these changes will come over night.  There will be speed bumps and road blocks along the path I'm trying to travel, but I'm armed with my Faith which will act as my shocks, struts, and GPS to ensure I make it safely to my destination.

You'll Never Figure Out Where You're Going...If You Don't Know Where You've Been

Now, for the 2nd part of my birthday celebration post.

Reexamination Song - My List - Toby Keith

The ironic part of this song choice is that the song is talking about a man who has realized that he has spent too much time working and not enough time living and it's time to "start living past the next thing on my list".  I need that list though, but instead of your typical to-do list activities, MY list is designed to get me past all the work and worry, same as the man in the song, and start enjoying life more.  As the song says "raise a little H***, laugh til it hurts, put an extra 5 in the plate at church, call up my folks just to chat, it's time that I make time for that."

I know I've mentioned more than once how important structure is for us AD/HDers.  I mean, implementing a little structure in my life was the WHOLE purpose for my Two-A-Day Challenge.  As wonderful as that challenge went and as awesome as being in a routine felt, I still get knocked off my game way too easily.  

My entire life, without even really realizing it, I've depended on someone else to keep that structure in tact for me.  Growing up it was my parents.  I swear, those two should write a book on Invisible Structure because they managed to keep me, a pigheaded, strong-willed, fiercely independent, fiery redhead, in line without me so much as questioning the fact that it was necessary.  Now, that doesn't mean I always liked what I was expected to do or that I even agreed with what I was expected to do, but I did it and life was so easy.

Once I left home, the structure that guided my life got a lot more lax, but it was still there. That structure was a collegiate institution and a great group of friends who liked to have fun but knew better than to squander all their time partying and flunking out of school.  As naturally happens when we grow up, life got a little less easy but it still wasn't that bad.  This was the period in my life where my emotional troubles really started, but outside of that, life was still grand.  But, as of December 17, 2006, that structure went away and I was left to my own devices.

After graduation I just kept on doing what I'd been doing.  I hadn't been completely on my own long enough to really start deciding what changes I wanted to make yet.  Then, six months later, as part of my job, I was back in a "school" setting which really slowed down me making any drastic changes because I was only going to be there 6 months, what was the point.  I got back home just a week or two before Christmas and everybody knows the holiday season is too hectic to think about much more than the Reason for the Season, all the festive events you've got going on, and relaxing after they're all over, so it wasn't until January 2008 that I really got to get a feel for life without the safety net of structure.

Everyone experiences growing pains as they move forward in life so, for the purposes of this post, it is completely irrelevant to delve into the ins and outs of all of those growing pains.  Therefore, I'll focus on the ones specifically related to the structure, or lack there of, in my life.  Growing up I typically identified more with with a slightly older age group.  I've always had friends my own age, and enjoyed my time with them very much, but felt more "at home" with the ones who were 3-5 years my senior.  I typically attribute that to being, in the words of the adults around me at the time not my own, "very mature for my age."  


In college I still had those older friends.  I mean, I was the 20 year old hanging out with the 25+ year olds from work who were always shocked to find out I wasn't the same age as them, but I had a much larger group of friends my own age than I'd ever had before.  In college, we were all in the same position, forced to "sink or swim," which naturally causes most people to grow up and start to leave behind their childish ways so it makes sense that my peer group would change, but, looking back, there was something not quite right that I couldn't see at the time.


I'm sure everyone's heard that girls mature faster than boys.  I don't bring that up to start any debates, but simply to make a point.  While it HAS been shown that, overall (there are exceptions as there are to most rules), girls do mature faster for medical/scientific/etc reasons, by the time we reach our 20s it really kind of evens out.  I've always kind of thought that, even though I was blessed to mature rather quickly, it was inevitable that things would eventually even out.  But, I never expected to feel like I had stagnated, but that everyone around me had accelerated.  Unfortunately, that hasn't been the case.


My parents and a close friend of mine from high school has told me on multiple occasions that I changed when I left home.  For a very long time I couldn't figure out why they thought that.  Of course I was exposed to new things and, inevitably, was going to find new interests, but I was still the same person inside.  I'd often get very frustrated, and even distraught at times, trying to figure out why the people who had always seemed to know me so well suddenly seemed to be completely oblivious.  Hind site being 20/20, I know now that they were right, I had changed, but it wasn't because I suddenly left behind everything I'd ever learned for a new way of viewing the world, it was because, over time, I'd gone from a highly structured yet flexible life, to one that essentially had no structure at all, and I was like a fish out of water, floundering around trying to make sense of it all.


Unfortunately, it was 10+ years after I left home before I was armed with the knowledge I needed to be able to figure it out.  I don't use my ADHD as an excuse.  The choices I've made and will make in life are solely my own and I take full responsibility for any and everything I did or will do.  But, at least now I know more about why things are the way they are for me, and I am therefore better prepared to get things back in line with the person I truly am.


Now, I know you may be thinking, "I thought this was suppose to be about reexamining her path for the future, not another walk down memory lane?"  As the title of this post states though, "You'll never figure out where you're going if you don't know where you've been." So, I had to take a look at how I got to this point before I could put any thought into where I go from here.  You may also be wondering how the song choice plays a part in this at all, but, "patience grasshopper," I'm getting there. :-)


I've realized that, much like the man in the song, I've put too much time into working and not enough time into living.  In my case though, working doesn't necessarily mean the same thing as it does in the song.  I'm not married to the job and I'm not a handywoman so I'm not always working at home either.  What I have been doing though, is working too hard to try and force things to turn around instead of letting go and letting God.  I'm a firm believer that, while God can most certainly do any and everything without our help, sometimes he wants us to help ourselves.  The problem, at least for me, is I don't always take the time to listen to how He wants me to do that.  I panic, I make frantic decisions, and not until I've worked myself into a full-on tizzy do I say "God I need your help."  There have been times at work when I've heard people discussing a situation they should know I have experience with but they just keep talking in circles.  In those times I find myself thinking, "If you'd just ask me...."  I imagine that's how God feels about me quite often, "If you'd just ask me, I could fix all of this for you."


Not only is all that stress bad for my health, but it gets me away from the things that I need to be doing.  I throw my daily schedule out the window because, "I'm too busy to be bothered with that."  I stop doing my research on AD/HD, depression, etc. so I miss out on opportunities to help others.  And, when it's all said and done, I've gotten little to nothing accomplished and I'm too tired to even think about doing any of the fun stuff, the stuff that takes your mind off your troubles for a little while, so I just get caught up in a vicious cycle of stress.


So, it's time to get back to the basics.  It's time to remember the words on that little plaque by my bed, "Good morning, This is God...I will be handling all your problems today.  I will not require your help."  It's time to go back to taking my own advice, or better yet, practice what I preach, and realize that that routine, though it may "seem" like it's slowing me down sometimes, is actually what's going to keep me on track.  And finally, it's time for that schedule/routine to stop being all work and no play.  I've got things in life I want to do and if I keep saying, "I'll just get...done first," or "I can't as long as...is over my head" I'll never get to do those things and they'll end up just another reflection on what I wish I'd done differently.

Birthday Reflections

Know how I know I'm growing up (other than my birth year getting further and further away, lol)?  For my birthday, all I really want is to spend time with good friends and family and just not be at work, lol.  Don't get me wrong, the kid in me still gets excited thinking about what awesome gift my parents will get me (no matter how big or small they're always perfect) and having a million "Happy Birthday" messages on Facebook will bring a smile to my face, but, in all honesty, even without those things, I can be perfectly content with taking a day off from work, doing those things that aren't really necessary but I really want to do and never have the time for, and having a pleasant conversation with a friend or family member.  So, in celebration of my 29th trip around the sun, that is exactly what I did today.

As I've gotten older, I've realized  that birthdays have a way of making me reflect back over where I've been and reexamine where I'm going.  As I've mentioned before, I struggle to adequately get across what I'm thinking or feeling, especially if it's a situation where emotions, frustration, etc. may be running high, so I tend to rely on song lyrics to get me going in the right direction.  That is part of why I love music so much.  Of course I love a good beat, but I will "fall in love" with a song when the lyrics speak to me, even if the song isn't the type of music I typically enjoy.  It's kind of like music is the key that unlocks my thoughts and feelings and allows them to get free.  Anyway, with the help of a couple great songs, I want to share the things that I have been reflecting on and the results of my reexamination of my path forward.

Reflection Song - A Lot of Things Different - Kenny Chesney

The part of this song that speaks to me the most is at the end.  "People say they wouldn't change a thing, even if they could Oh, but I would."  I realize that there are people in this world who have no regrets, but I am not one of those people.  Some people have no regrets because they just don't care enough to put any thought into the "what if" because they are always "right" no matter what they do.  Others have been blessed enough to realize what was important at the right time to be able to do the right thing before they lost the opportunity.  But, I still think that most people who say they "wouldn't change a thing" really and truly have things in their life they wish they had done differently, but are still happy with where they are in life.  Don't get me wrong, for the most part I'm happy with where my life is now, but there are still things I wish I'd done differently and I'll share a few of them now.

I wish I had listened when, on the last day of softball tryouts in the 7th grade, the coach said "You may be a little bit better than someone else but you may be slow."  But instead, I was so convinced that my dream (yes I said dream, I was only 12 at the time) was going to come true because I'd done everything I was suppose to, that I couldn't see what she was trying to tell me.  Granted, those words weren't said directly to me, they were part of the talk she was giving everyone to try and explain some of the reasons you might be cut and that it didn't necessarily mean you were a bad player, but they were meant for me to hear.  On Monday I was absolutely devastated when my name wasn't on the list.  I walked around in a daze the rest of the day (week may actually be more accurate).  Softball had been my whole world up until that point and the thought of it no longer being there had never crossed my mind.  I didn't know what to do.  My parents tried so hard to get me to see it wasn't the end of the world.  They reminded me that even Michael Jordan was "cut" from his high school basketball team.  As crazy as it sounds, it honestly still bothers me to this day.  It bothers me when I think about the fact that there are are only 5 bars on my Letterman's Jacket instead of 6, it bothers me when I realize that I let that one event shake my self-esteem so much that it ruined any chance of realizing my dream of playing softball in college.  There's no guarantee I would have achieved that goal anyway, but at least I would've known that I just wasn't wasn't college softball material instead of being left to wonder "what if."  I really think I could've handled that better than just not knowing what could've been.  But, most of all, it bothers me that nearly 17 years later, even after beating out a senior for a starting position my sophomore year and being selected to the all tournament team at the section tournament my senior year, I still feel like I have something to prove.  I love the game, but I've never played it with the same level of confidence again and that causes me constant frustration as I try to put it behind me and just enjoy the game.

I wish I had really listened when my parents told me I could always come to them no matter what.  I spent too many years afraid they would turn their back on me because they didn't agree with my decisions and that caused a great strain on our otherwise wonderful relationship.  Our relationship has been mended now and I am very thankful for wonderful, loving parents, but I will never be able to get those years back that I wasted.

As Dr. Spencer Reid said, "I know what it's like to be afraid of your own mind" and I wish I had realized sooner that it's OK to admit that and to ask for help.  I wasted the greater part of a decade struggling to figure out what was going on in my mind, failing to control it on my own, and desperately trying to keep the chaos that was ever-present in my mind a secret from everyone around me.  The repeated "failure" to regain control only served to plummet my self-esteem even lower and caused me to have many unhealthy relationships (platonic and romantic) because I was convinced that I was an awful human being and I should be thankful that someone was willing to put up with me and just deal with whatever they decided to dish out.  I am a MUCH stronger person today than I was then and I realize that, though I'm not perfect, I AM a person who is worthy of love and respect and I should not put up with anyone who can't give me those things.  But, sometimes, I can't help but wonder how many more happy memories I could've had and how much less emotional "baggage" I'd be caring around if I'd just said "I can't do this on my own, please help me" 8 years ago.

I fully accept and understand that all of these experiences have played a role in shaping me into the person I am today and although, like most everybody, I have a few things I'm working on, I FREAKING LOVE the me that I am today.  But, that doesn't change the fact I'm fairly certain I would handle every single one of these situations differently if I were suddenly handed a mulligan.  I am a firm believer that God's Will will be done no matter how many times I stumble or how many times I succeed so I can't believe that changing these things would make such a drastic change in where I am today because I am on the path that He wants me to be on.  But, I guess it's really a mute point anyway, I mean, this isn't Back to the Future, this is real life, and in real life, we may get a second chance to do the right thing, but we will never be able to erase what has already happened.


Well, this first portion of this post got a little longer than I expected so I think I'll hold the Reexamination part for tomorrow.  Guess that's a good way to make sure I make a post much sooner this time.

Breaking Jen

I started this blog in order to help others.  But every now and then, it gets to help me too by providing a sounding board for my frustrations and fears.  It's funny to me that it takes me so long to work up the courage to talk to someone about these things but they flow so easily when I get on here.  Maybe it's because there isn't a face looking back at me that I feel I have to try and discern its expressions to figure out what its owner is thinking.  Maybe its the fact that without that face there I worry less about being judged and concentrate more on just getting out what I have to say.  Or maybe, just maybe, it's because it gets me in a position that I can talk to God.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that God logs into Blogger and reads my posts.  But, when I get to the point that I make a post like this, I've usually gotten so caught up in what's bothering me that I can't think clearly about what it is I want/need God's help with.  Posts like this typically start out with me running through "what if" scenarios and "instant replays" in my head until they start coming out in a format that fits my writing style.  At that point, I know it's time to get out the laptop and start typing because God has gotten me in a place where I have a clear mind to think through what's been bothering me and to be more receptive to what He's trying to tell me.  I realize that may sound a bit "hoakie" to some who may read this but, I've always thought of prayer like having a conversation with a really good friend and I tend to approach my blog posts in much the same way so it works for me.

I learned this week that breaking points don't always have to be viewed as a bad thing.  Sometimes, they are actually turning points in disguise.  I've been under a lot of stress the past few weeks.  It's been one of those times where nothing is really wrong but everything is wrong at the same time.  I try to be strong, to handle these things on my own, but, unfortunately, may way of "dealing" with it turns more into ignoring it.  So, for the past few weeks I've just pushed that frustration and stress down and marched my tail out the door each day pretending that nothing was wrong.  On my way home from a softball tournament in ATL last weekend I began to recognize the signs that a breakdown was coming if I didn't just take some time to deal with things but my stubborn pride kept me from listening to that "still small voice."  But, everything came to a head Wednesday morning.  Actually, two of the things that have been bothering me the most reached somewhat of a solution that day which caused me to let my guard down just enough that all the fear and frustration I'd pushed down into a little bitty box came rushing out and hit me like a tidal wave.  I really didn't realize how much stress I'd been keeping bottled up inside and when "the dam broke" the rush of emotions was overwhelming.  I did what I try to never do and broke down in tears in public (well, as public as my desk at work gets) and started to feel sick so I put in a leave slip and came home where I slept most of the day in hopes of waking up refreshed and ready to go in the morning.  I was feeling better Thursday but still needed just one more day to rest and recuperate.

For several weeks now I've been struggling with watching (from afar, but watching) the lives of some people I care a lot about fall apart.  In and of itself that would be hard enough, but, for quite some time now I've seen signs that one of the people involved was likely suffering from ADHD and needed to get help.  I didn't feel the Lord leading me to talk to them directly but I did what I could within His guidance to try and help them see that things could get better.  Unfortunately, it was beyond my control and I couldn't reach them before things had already started to crumble.  It was really hard.  I mean, this person is exactly the type of person I started this blog for.  The kind of person that I have such a passion for helping.  It's hard to handle when you realize you can't get through to someone you love and you have to just sit back and watch them struggle.  Deep down I was scared for myself too.  I realized how easily it could have been me in the same situation if I hadn't put my pride aside and got help.  I also realized how easily it still could be me if I ever stopped working to succeed in spite of my ADHD and allowed it to be an excuse.  Let me tell you, at 28 (29 in a month) you have so much of life left to live and it's frightening to watch all of this happen to someone who is less than 10 years older than you.  I mean, when you're a kid 10 years sounds like forever but as an adult you realize just how fast 10 years really is.

The other major thing that has been bothering me is softball.  I know it might sound crazy to some out there who've never been involved or even understood how someone would want to be involved in sports but I've always heard that you never forget your first true love and slow-pitch softball was mine.  For the first 4 or 5 years of me playing ball I was super confident.  No matter their reputation I knew could hit any pitcher (in ASA slow-pitch we never had to worry about someone pitching too fast but lots of people tended to struggle on pitchers who pushed the upper limit of the arch rule).  I could catch any ball hit my way and I could throw anybody out from 3rd to 1st.  I wasn't arrogant.  I knew that I wasn't perfect and there were others who had just as much and even more talent than I had, but I was confident.  Then, in the 7th grade my world got turned upside-down.  Ever since I could remember it had been my dream to have all 6 bars on my letterman's jacket (for playing 7-12 grade) and then going on to play somewhere in college.  But, that was a dream that was never going to happen.  I was cut from the team my 7th grade year because I was a slow runner.  The coach tried to tell me without telling me but I was so convinced that my dream was going to happen that I couldn't hear her.  I was devastated the next day at school when my name wasn't on the roster.  I realize that after 16 years I should be able to let it go, and in all honesty, that specific event isn't what weighs on my mind, but that's the point I can trace back to where I lost my confidence.  I managed to squeak out a decent high school career, but nothing that got the attention of any of the college scouts.  But to this day, I can't regain the confidence I once had.  I know it's not logical but I always feel like I have something to prove and I push myself so hard to "prove" myself I really just end up playing terrible.  With all of that being said, my coach and I have talked and I'm going to keep playing league ball with the team and work on my game but not worry about travelling on the weekends until next year.  As much as I know that's what I need, it really breaks my heart it had to come to that.

So, I've decided not to look at my "breakdown" on Wednesday as a bad thing, but to realize that it's an opportunity for me to turn some things around (not just those mentioned above) and to get back on track with the plans that God and I have for me.  I've decided to put my latest challenge on hold for a while.  It doesn't mean that I'm going to stop posting or that I've going to completely throw my new routine out the window, just that I'm going to focus on other things right now instead of holding myself to living up to the challenge when I have other things I need to be focusing on right now..

Adventures in Slumberland

For a week or so, my sleep cycle was all out of whack, which, in turn, caused me to be all out of whack.  The past week though, fortunately, it's been back to "normal".  The more I thought about it though, it really isn't normal by the typical definition, it's just normal for me.

While there are many hallmark signs/symptoms of AD/HD that are fairly widely known (though often VERY misunderstood), there are still a few that nobody really thinks about, unless you either have AD/HD or a close friend or loved one has it.  One of those signs/symptoms is what can best be summed up as sleep disturbances.

I remember once, in a follow up visit with my psychiatrist, mentioning that "sleep is an adventure for me."  His response was, "It usually is..."  Of course he was meaning it usually is for those with AD/HD.  One reason for this is the fact that most non-AD/HDers have an inner clock, known as a circadian clock, that helps their brain sense passage of time and is coordinated with the day-night cycle.  (thank you Wikipedia).  Typically this "clock" will reset itself as your environment changes.  This is why it takes a couple days to adjust to the yearly time changes (assuming you live in an area that follows daylight savings time), your circadian clock is having to reset.  Well, in many AD/HDers, that clock is busted.  In my experience, it performs like a clock whose battery has run down enough that it no longer keeps the correct time, but the battery isn't fully dead yet so you still see something on the display.  No matter how often you try to reset it, it just WILL NOT keep the correct time until you replace the battery.

Unfortunately, the fix for sleep disturbances  isn't as simple as replacing the battery.  Some AD/HD symptoms can be improved without medication (more on that in a later post).  But, problems with the circadian clock is not one of them.  Typically, the only way to get any noticeable correction in this area is medication, though there are a few things outside of medication that can help better the results the medication has.

Growing up my parents would give me time to "wind down" (especially after a ballgame or other event I was really excited about) before bed.  Even after I went to bed my brain was still going 90 miles an hour as I lay in bed for an hour or more until sleep just kinda took over.  Then, in the mornings, Momma would joke that I had to "rest from sleeping" as I laid in the bed trying (and mostly failing) to fully wake up, no matter how much or how little sleep I'd had the night before.  I didn't know it at the time, especially since I didn't know I had AD/HD, but those are two of the common sleep problems for AD/HDers:  Initiation Insomnia and Difficulty Waking.

As I grew up and moved out on my own (sort of) the initiation insomnia subsided a bit (though that difficulty waking just insists on sticking around) but the other two common sleep problems, Restless Sleep and Intrusive Sleep, started to kick in.

I can remember many conversations with my friends in college wondering why I was sleepy EVERY time they saw me.  In my early 20s my drive to stay up and hang out was enough to get me through.  However, as I got into my mid to late 20s and I lost that desire to hang out and started having to be at work early (for me) in the morning it got harder and harder for me to push through the fatigue.  By the time I was 26 I was taking at least a few hours of leave each pay period (pay period is 2 weeks) trying to get some sleep.  By 27, and up to my AD/HD diagnosis at 28 years 2 1/2 months of age, I was needing at least one full day off each week as my body had reached its exhaustion point.  On those days, I'd sleep nearly the entire day away.  So, one week I'd have my AWS day (regular day off for the pay period due to an alternate work schedule) and the next week I'd have to take a day off and use a full 8 or 9 hours of leave (depending on which day it was).  Then, when you factor in a couple hours here an there for doctor appointments and other various things you get the idea that I was burning through my leave fairly quickly.

I had no idea why I was so tired all the time.  I knew I was sleeping.  I knew I was getting enough hours of sleep (after I stopped being stubborn about going to bed before 10).  But still, every morning, I'd wake up just as tired, or even more tired, than I was when I went to bed.  I had blood work done and my thyroid was fine and I wasn't diabetic.  My iron was a bit low so my doctor had me start taking an OTC iron pill and things got better for a while.  Then the exhaustion came back.  I had more blood work done and this time my Vitamin D was 1 point away from being deficient.  My doctor gave me a prescription for Vitamin D and started me on an OTC prenatal vitamin (though I wasn't and never have been pregnant) to try and pull all my vitamin/mineral levels up.  I felt better but I still wasn't sleeping well enough.

As if I didn't have enough craziness going on, with the ordinary life adjustments for college students and then the situation outlined above, the intrusive sleep decided to stick its nose in my business too.  I never really paid attention in class but, my mom worked in the lunch room at my K-12 school and I'm from a small town so everyone knew me and knew who my mom was so I learned to at least put on a show of paying attention so my teachers wouldn't talk to my mom.  In college though, nobody knew Momma.  I had a few professors who really knew how to keep the class engaged and I truly paid attention, but I also had a few who didn't or taught a class that held little to no intrigue for me.  In those classes, if I didn't have a friend sitting close by to keep me distracted, I typically fell asleep.  It didn't matter what I did to try and stay awake I'd be knocked out less than halfway through the class. Then, after I graduated and became a full time worker, I had tons of trouble staying awake during meetings.  I'd say the worst time was when I was sitting directly behind the general and his deputy and my head kept bobbing.  I never actually went to sleep but I was miserable and embarrassed at how hard it was for me to stay awake even though I'd been given a golden opportunity to sit in on a very important meeting and learn more about how the command works.

For me, the intrusive sleep is the one I have the most trouble wrapping my brain around (so I can only imagine how tough it may be for the non AD/HDers to understand).  Intrusive sleep typically happens when AD/HDers are doing a task that doesn't feed their constant need for stimulation.  It doesn't mean we don't care about what we're doing or realize how important it may be.  It really doesn't even mean that we don't like what we're doing.  Most everyone has a thing or two that they enjoy that doesn't require any real thought.  It's just fun.  For me it's surfing the web and watching my favorite crime dramas on TV.  But, no matter how much I love those things, after a while my head starts to bob.  At times I hate that it's like that.  I'd love to be able to just "be" for a while every now and then but, it just isn't in the hand I was dealt so I continue to search for ways to work around it.  Thankfully, my medication has made great strides in helping with the other three issues so at least I only have one still causing major problems.

If you have any of the problems mentioned above it's not a guarantee that you have AD/HD.  You (and more importantly your doctor) have to take into account how often this happens for you and lots and lots of other factors as sleep problems can stem from many things but, if you have some of the hallmark AD/HD symptoms AND the problems sleeping, I highly recommend you seek help.  Even if you don't have the hallmark symptoms of AD/HD but you have problems sleeping I highly recommend you seek help.  Sleep is an essential function for the body to repair itself and stay healthy and constant sleep problems, no matter their cause, need to be addressed.

Accentuate the Positive

OK, so, here are the positive thoughts and realizations I had about keeping a schedule/routine last week.  The only order these are in is the order they came to me throughout the week.

1.  I can start my day with less stress because I can flow through my routine and not have to be sure I remember every single thing every single morning.
2.  Following a routine gets me out the door on time more often than not.  This helps me be on time to work which makes me seem more like the productive employee I am.
3.  Following a routine helps minimize the chance that something important (like paying bills or meeting a suspense at work) slips through the cracks, which helps improve management's view of my work performance and lessens my stress.
4.  Ensures I take my medicine on schedule so it can work better and I feel better.
5.  Keeping a routine helps me better manage my time and get more things done which gives me a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day instead of a sense of failure for missing deadlines and not seeing things through to the finish.
6.  Getting in the habit of writing things downs as they are told to me, especially if I can't work on the at that exact moment, makes me more likely to remember to do them later instead of getting caught in the "what's hot now" mode and never getting back to them.  Also, the simple act of writing it down helps it stick in my memory.
7.  Writing down accomplishments for the day makes it easier to write my significant accomplishments at rating time.  It also gives me a point of reference if a similar issue should arise or questions come up regarding what I did.
8.  Keeping a routine and writing down the things I need to accomplish each day helps me to feel better when I get home from work.  When I go through the day reacting instead of planning my ADHD mind is overwhelmed at the end of the day from trying to keep up with everything.  Therefore, when I get home I am too tired to take on even a small task so everything gets put off until the weekend which, in turn, overwhelms me again and it never all gets done.

Unfortunately, even with all this positive thinking, last week does not count as my first week completed for the new task.  I understand that life throws things at us sometimes that causes us to have to temporarily throw our routines out the window, BUT, I feel like I used things like a terribly unorganized training exercise at work as an excuse and was already off-kilter when I got the news that someone I was very close to passed away.  I'm not down on myself for not meeting the goal.  I realize life happens and then you move on.  I just don't feel I can justify counting last week in the "W" column.  I got it this week though. :-)

Do the Humpty-Hump

Happy Hump Day!  The week is all downhill from here right? :)

Just wanted to give a quick update on how things are going.  I've implemented the first part of my schedule/routine and I'm loving it.  Phase I deals with the basic routine for the day, when to get up, when to leave for work, when to go to bed etc.  I had to find a way to implement structure and routine without making it feel so rigid and inflexible that I wouldn't stick to it.  I guess it's more like an outline for the day which gives me room to feel in whatever details I want/need.

For example, I get up at 5:00 on workdays but I don't actually get in the shower and start getting ready until about 6:00.  During that hour I'm free to do whatever.  Then, for my work day, I laid out a few basic things I need to do (like making a list of things to do for the day, putting in leave slips closer to the time I took the leave, keeping track of my accomplishments for the day, etc.) but I didn't specify a certain time they had to be completed.  That way I still feel like I'm in charge of my day instead of some schedule controlling it, but there's just enough structure there to keep me focused and on target.  Finally, after work until 9:00 is what I call free time.  It doesn't mean that for those 4 hours I'm completely free of all responsibility, it simply means that those 4 hours are left to my heart's desire.  I can use it to work on DIY/craft projects or I can work on something super important that has a deadline.  That part of the day is MY time.  Then at 9:00 I start going through the get ready for bed routine and actually get in the bed sometime between 9:00 and 10:00.

To be honest, my list of positive things for the cognitive re-conditioning I'm trying is getting long enough I might have to post this week's list on Friday and do a separate post next week for week 2 positives!

I also wanted to share a little bit of news.  I plan on joining the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) this week (waiting until payday to pay the membership fee).  NAMI was recommended to me by my ADD Coach and the counselor I was seeing before my diagnosis but, like so many things, I put it off and almost forgot about it.  It got brought back to my attention by a random text message a few weeks ago.  Apparently my cousin had sent out a mass text to invite friends to some kind of party (Mary Kay, Pampered Chef, etc) and when one of her friends responded it actually went to everyone instead of just Amie.  She responded that she was already obligated to a NAMI event and couldn't make it.  Now, I was super confused at first but after a while the NAMI part stuck in my head until I checked out the website.  If you'd like to learn more about the organization you can visit their website.  You can also find your local organization if you'd like to join.  I'm excited that my membership will not only be a benefit to me, but also in my pursuit to help others.

Well, that's about it.  Almost time to start getting ready for work.  Take care everyone!!

Just Because

The constant need for mental stimulation that comes with AD/HD combined with my innate analytical personality that questions everything in the pursuit of a greater understanding makes it EXTREMELY difficult for me to do much of anything "just because."  Growing up, my parents nurtured and encouraged my need to understand why I did things instead of just doing them as much as they could. I haven't specifically asked them about it, but I'm sure there was at least a two-fold reason for this.  One reason being, Mr. Land, the DeKalb County Gifted Program teacher when I was in school, "counseled" my parents on what to expect and how best to give me what I needed while still maintaining that they were in charge.  The second reason I gleaned from conversations we had while I was growing up.  They didn't want me to do things just because "everyone else is doing it."  They wanted me to think for myself and not get swept up into peer pressure.  All that being said, I had to learn to walk a VERY fine line between a pursuit of understanding and being "insubordinate."  I could typically tell when I was getting close to crossing that line though.  That was usually when I was given the response, "Because I'm your Momma/Daddy and I said so." :)

As I grew-up and got more independent it got harder for me to find that line I wasn't suppose to cross.  To this day, my parents can still make me toe that line relatively easily (though they do respect the fact that I am an adult) but I'm pretty certain "Because I said so" wouldn't go over so well coming from anybody else.  My natural reaction, whether I managed to stifle it or actually said it, would be something like this... "Who are you?!"  I know I'm not suppose to be like that.  I know the problem isn't in the fact that I question the logic behind decisions but in the way I question that logic.  I try so hard to find a way to be true to myself while still being the "good employee" I'm expected to be but I just haven't found a way that works.  I've at least learned to take a deep breath, say "OK," and walk away.  It keeps me from saying something I shouldn't and therefore makes my boss happier, but that response just doesn't fit who I am and leaves me feeling frustrated, besides I'm certain my facial expression gives away what I'm thinking anyway (thus why this response makes my boss happier and not happy).  I really wish I could find a way to ask the questions and still portray that I do understand  who the boss is, I just need there to be some logic to the things I do, but, when things seem illogical to me I get frustrated, and when I get frustrated it comes out in everything I do or say, even if I'm only frustrated with the process and not the person.

Work isn't the only place I struggle with the "just because" logic.  When I was first diagnosed with AD/HD I was so gung-ho about finding ways to make things work.  I set a million (eh, slight exaggeration) alarms on my phone to help me keep track of what time it is and when I'm suppose to do what and for a while I loved it!  But, after a while, it's like, OK, I've proven I can do it, that's enough.  Now, every time that alarm goes off (minus the ones to remind me to take my medication) it's like a mini-debate in my head.  I'm like a child bargaining with his/her parents for "5 more minutes" (which my cell alarm happily gives when the snooze button is pressed) except I'm bargaining with myself.  It's almost like I think, "Why do I have to jump up just because that alarm went off?"  I'd go even further and say it also seems to cross my mind, "Why do I have to stop what I'm doing and write something down just because I know I need to remember what I was just told?  I'll get to it in a minute."

I know that my way of looking at certain situations isn't the best.  I'm trying hard to overcome my natural inclinations on some things but it's just not easy.  Since I've had good results with cognitive therapy and challenges in the past I've got an idea.  Every day for the next 2 work weeks I have to write down (or type) at least 1 good things about following a routine.  At the end of the two weeks I will share all my realizations.  Also, before I go to bed tonight, I will come up with some sort of schedule that I can live by so I can start my new challenge tomorrow.  Like my last challenge this will apply to Mon-Fri as I will allow myself the weekend to be relatively schedule free (everyone needs a break).  I will post to my blog at least 3 times a week and I will follow my schedule/routine (barring unforeseen, uncontrollable circumstances) at least 4 days a week.  If I do this for 4 weeks in a row I will allow myself to buy the tablet I've been wanting but don't really need.  This challenge will be on-going until I do it 4 weeks in a row.  The goal isn't to make myself a blind follower (I HIGHLY doubt that would happen anyway) but it is to change the way I think about things so that maybe, just maybe, I can find that middle ground I've been searching for.

Knowledge is Power

Saturday I was in Birmingham all day for a softball tournament.  We played our first game around 1:00 and then had a break until 5:00 (or so we thought, the team we were suppose to play had to forfeit so our break was actually until 8:00) so, those of us who decided to stay at the park, sat together under a shade tree for a while.  After a while one of my teammates, I'll call her Becky for the purposes of this post, decided she wanted to take a nap and asked me if I would "have her back," meaning, would I look out for her in case a foul ball came over the fence towards her.  Now, obviously I'm not going to just sit there and let my teammate get hit, but I also know that I get distracted very easily and might not even know a ball was headed towards her/us in time to help her.  So, instead of saying, "Yea, I got you," I said, "Assuming I see the ball coming, yea."  In my mind I was trying to let her know that my intentions were good to keep her from getting hit but I might not be able to pay close enough attention to guarantee I could keep her from getting hit.  Hind-site being 20/20, I probably should have just said "Yea, I got you," but, I didn't.

Obviously, my answer did not convey the message I was trying to get across because Becky took it as me saying I wouldn't watch out for her.  When I get uncomfortable or frustrated I usually try to crack a joke in order to ease the situation.  Of course, I stayed true to form, and joked that, "You don't ask the ADD kid to be your lookout."  Boy did that spark and interesting conversation.

The details of the conversation aren't necessarily important but it should suffice to say, all I could think was, "Wow, this is exactly why I started my blog."  I understand that many people don't educate themselves on topics until that have some reason to do so.  Whether it be out of sheer curiosity or necessity.  But, I that being said, I was very surprised at how little these women knew about AD/HD.  The looks on their faces made it seem like I had mentioned some condition they'd never even heard of.  I mean, these were educated women I was talking with.  I was absolutely floored.  I tried to explain a few things but I could tell, at least at that moment, they had already made up their minds on what they thought so I just dropped it.  But, a little later on another teammate, we'll call her Suzy, climbed up the tree we were sitting under because she was bored.  I joked with her that maybe she had ADD and her response was, "I told you black people don't have ADD."  Now, I realize Suzy was joking around (kinda) but it got me to thinking.  Are there any disparities in the number of people from the different races that have AD/HD?  What are the statistics?  So, that is where I'm coming from with my idea for this post.

As I suspected, I couldn't find any research that showed that African Americans were any less likely to have ADD.  What I did find though, was several articles that suggested that many African Americans are under informed about ADD and therefore less likely to seek treatment.  I read several articles that touched on the same idea but there was one that really caught my interest.  It was about an African-American lady who was diagnosed with ADD at the age of 53.  The article tells her struggles to accept her diagnosis and how much good her diagnosis and treatment did in her life.  She now works to help spread knowledge about ADD in the African American community.  If you would like to read her inspiring story you can find it here.  http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/1020.html